Did I say that Out Loud?
by Witch of Erie Knoll
Summary: A demon comes to England, and there is no real plot. That's right all randomness is out now! AxS by request now. With a Singing, dancing, pie, and MONKEY MAN! Who knows what's next? Now playing Survivor!
1. It begins!

**This is my first attempt at a Hellsing fic. I needed to do something with humor, drama is getting to me. There may be slight OOCness, but well this is to be fun. I stole this idea from Buffy the musical and instead of them singing and dancing around they have no inner dialouge, which I got the idea from Austin Powers one. Yep, I'm insane. Also I do not own any thing related to Hellsing.

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Integra Hellsing sat at her desk smoking one of her cigars. She stared blankly at the file before her. Picking up again she re read the contents and still didn't believe it. A demon had been spotted in England, near Hellsing Headquarters, disappeared and now reports where coming in about people unable to keep thoughts to themselves.

"This is complete boulder dash," Integra though, as Alucard fazed into her office, via the floor.

"What is complete boulder dash, master?" Alucard asked as he sat on the edge of her desk. Integra sighed again.

"Can't you use a door?" Integra said, with her cigar still in her mouth. She tossed the file at Alucard. "Apparently a demon can make people speak their inner thoughts. I don't believe it though."

"Hmm," Alucard started flipping through the file. "People speaking their thoughts. Ha that would be fun. It would allow me to know what is on master's mind without entering it."

"Excuse you?" Integra asked, a little irritated with Alucard already.

"Did I just say that out loud?" Alucard respond confused.

"That vampire has gone batty on me!" Integra thought, then she threw her hands over her mouth.

"Batty? What is it with this women and stupid clichés of vampires," Alucard laughed, then looked to his master. "Maybe we should look into this."

"Get right on it," Integra stated. "If people keep speaking their thoughts we are going to have major trouble on our hands."

Alucard fazed back though the floor. Integra leaned back in her chair.

"This is going to be one hell of a week, and it's only Monday!"

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Walter was leaving Seras's blood in her room when Alucard fazed in.

"Alucard," Walter greeted as he set the ice bucket with a blood packet on the table. "What are you doing in Miss. Seras's room so early?"

"Does he always have to be so nosey," Alucard thought out loud. "Dammit! I miss my inner dialogue!"

"Oh dear looks like Alucard has lost it finally," Walter sighed.

"What do you mean I lost it finally," Alucard laughed.

"Did I say that out loud?" Walter gaped. "Maybe I'm finally losing it."

"Jeez why can't they just shut up! People are trying to sleep around here!" came the angry muffled voice of Seras from her coffin.

"I'm sorry police girl are we disturbing you," Alucard laughed. "Since you are up come out of that damn coffin."

Seras yawned as she pressed the button that lifted the lid to her coffin. She sat up and stretched, then looked at the two in her room. Her eyes caught her blood, and she slightly cringed.

"Yuck, I'll never get use to that," she sighed. "Better find out what master wants."

"Police girl," Alucard smirked then grabbed the blood packet and tossed it at Seras. Seras caught it and stared at her master. "Drink it now. How I enjoy annoying people."

"Master?" Seras looked questioningly at her master. "Has he gone crazy?"

"I asked the same thing," Walter laughed. "Seems we lost all inner dialogue. How odd, now I have to keep my deepest darkest secrets buried a bit deeper in my mind."

"Why can't they see the genius behind the insanity!" Alucard grunted. He dropped the file on the table. "This tells what little we know about the demon who is making up speak out inner thoughts out loud. Let's hope I won't say anything embarrassing."

"Inner thoughts spoken out loud," Seras gasped. "Oh no! this is no good, my thoughts are private! I mean I can't go around blurting out things about him I think! People can't know my feelings!"

"Seras stop thinking please," Alucard sighed. "Damn girl is making my head pound! Great now she is pouting again! I'm out of here!"

Walter and Seras watched Alucard fazed out.

"He is so arrogant how can I l…" Seras threw her hands over her mouth. "Can we please get rid of this demon soon!"

"For all our sakes I hope so too," Walter sighed and started taking his leave. "One only knows what those guys think. What comes out of their mouths is bad enough, last thing I need to know is what everyone is really thinking. Then it will really make me want to start killing people. I truly work with…"

"Walter," Alucard was leaning against a wall in the hallway he was walking down. Alucard broke Walter's train of thought. "You should do a little less ranting in your mind till we kill this demon."

"Oh dear," Walter sighed. "I said that out loud didn't I. Damn this is going to be hard."

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**So what do you think so far? Reviews pls!-gives puppy dog eyes- Till next chapter!**


	2. some insainity

**Hi again! Wow 5 reviews! -falls down in shock- Thank you CelestialDeath, TwistedNerve, Ms. Demeanor, Mireille, and BookDragon. Also I am adding two of my own character's to help drive Integra insane. So as I do not own anything Hellsing related, I do own anything Erie Knoll related! HA!

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"This is completely insane!" Integra stated, as she stared at Alucard , she had received a letter from the queen telling Integra she was sending in back up. "Does she think I can't handle this! I'm Integra Hellsing! I can defeat anything."

"Someone likes to toot their own horn," Alucard muttered. Integra picked up the silver paperweight on her desk and chucked it at him. It connected with his nose and broke his glasses. "Stupid bitch!"

"Keep your thoughts to yourself!" Integra fumed. "Honestly what am I going to do when this person shows up! I can't deal with a know-it-all running around telling me what to do! I run this show no one else."

"Sir Integra," Walter said as he entered. Followed by a woman with strawberry blonde hair and green eyes. She was 5'8" and wearing a bright pink cotton skirt, a white with pink spiral peasant top, and pink flip flops. "A Miss. Emerald is here to see you."

"She is what the queen sends me? A fucking wannabe hippie!" Integra gaped.

"I let you go on that one, but any more remarks like that and I will leave you in the demons grasp," she replied with a bright voice. "My name is Christy Emerald, a witch from Erie Knoll, and I am here to help you. My assistant Miss. Belton will be here after the sun rises."

"I'm Integra Hellsing," Integra replied as she lit a cigar. "Make no mistake I am in charge here. I will not be upstage by some twit of a witch."

"Bossy," Christy muttered. "No matter. I prefer to work alone. So as long as you don't get in my way I won't have to turn you into a toad."

"Oh God we're all doomed," Walter thought out loud. "Shit I didn't mean to say that."

"So it's a class three demon," said a voice from the door.

"You're early," Christy said as she turned to face the raven hair beauty at the door. "Always has to make an entrance."

"Sir Integra Hellsing," she greeted as she entered the room. Unlike Christy she was wearing a midnight black pant suit and black heels. Her raven hair was up in a tight bun, and her dark blue eyes and pale skin contrasted against her skin. "I am Katlyn Belton, a well known Demonologist in the states. I also have a minor in super natural research, the Dark Arts, and I am also a Vampire Observer and Resercher."

"Quite the apple polisher," Alucard muttered. Katlyn turned to face him.

"Alucard," she smiled. "A self absorbed, know it all, completely full of himself, all powerful, self proclaimed King of the vampires. No class exisit to categorize your power, nor has a full study been done of you. All reports are lacking."

Christy smacked her forehead with the palm of her hand. "Can you not insult things that can kill you. Did you learn nothing in Romania! Honestly I still have claw marks on my back! You always need to insult creatures of dark nature and try and get me killed!"

"Excuse me for being highly opinionated and being open with myself," Katlyn replied coldly. "At least I am the more respectable one, and knows how to dress appropriately."

"There's nothing wrong with the way I dress," Christy huffed. "Sorry if I am the more colorful one. At least I don't look like something out of a horror novel, or wait the black suits are acoming!."

"And looking like you where pulled out of the sixties is any better?"

"Christ, I didn't think anyone was worst then me and Alucard!" Integra muttered. Alucard glared at her.

"How dare she compare me to humans," he growled. Katlyn and Christy turned to face him.

"You where once a human!" Katlyn stated. "So don't think it is an insult when you started out as one."

"But I evolved," Alucard laughed. "And you are still a pitiful human."

"I'm not pitiful," Katlyn huffed.

"Oh god, Déjà vu over here," Christy blurted. "Didn't you have this argument with that vampire Vlad ripped the heart out of."

"No," Katlyn replied harshly, turning to face Christy. "That was Damien he ripped the heart out of, I had this arguementwith the Lobster King's ghost."

"Oh right that insane vampire who runs around in a giant lobster suit, even after death's um death," Christy replied, scratching her head as she tried to remember.

"Why do I work with such idiots!" Katlyn sighed.

"They're both insane!" Integra muttered as she slammed her head on the desk.

"You shouldn't do that," Christy told her. "Last time I slammed my head on a desk I cut my head opened."

"That's because you repeatedly slammed yourhead on the desk while cursing out Roxy," Katlyn stated.

"I hate you," Christy said, while smiling.

"I hate both of you," Alucard muttered. "Can we fix the demon problem know."

"What demon problem?" Christy asked. Everyone in the room fell down, except Christy. Katlyn got up and screamed in Christy's face.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT DEMON PROBLEM!" she fumed. "THE DEMON PROBLEM THAT WE ARE HERE TO FIX! THE WHOLE REASON WE ARE HERE!"

"Oh right that," Christy laughed. "I forgot."

Katlyn fell down again. "Can you just show us to our room?"

"Right," Walter said as he lead them out. He shut the door behind them.

"Should of just killed them," Alucard stated.

"How would I explain it to the queen," Integra sighed. "I thought Alucard was bad, these two are going to be a whole new world of trouble."

"Maybe I should greet our guest more formally."

"Stop causing trouble," Integra sighed. "If I don't have enough problems already. Alucard is just going to make my life more hell no matter what I say."

"Baby," Alucard said. "Shit I didn't mean to say that out…"

His words where lost as Integra chucked another silver paperweight at him.

"Walter gives great Christmas gifts," she said as she pulled a new silver paperweight from her drawer, which was filled with them. "Now where did my cigar get to?"

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**Next chapter more insanity! More paperweight throwing! Also if you would like to see them say anything, or situations you would like to see suggest it! I am open to all ideas to make this as funny as possible. Also review! Till next time!**


	3. Sleep already!

**Back with chapter 3! Thank you to my reviewers chris, WTFWonder, alucardgal, Ms. Demeanor, and SacredYoukai**. **Also I do not, have not, and will not own anything from Hellsing. Let the insainity begin!

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Katlyn was setting up recording devices in Christy's room. Christy stared at her, then turned her eyes to the rising sun.

"I'm hungry," Christy muttered.

"You're always hungry," Katlyn sighed. She placed the last tape recorder on the night stand by the bed. "Now go to sleep so I can see if you are effected by the demon."

"Excuse me?" Christy looked at her confused. "What does me sleeping have to do with the demonic effects on this place. Also I want Oreos."

"Because I don't know if you are effected, because 1) you are naturally insane. 2) You do nothing but speak your thoughts…"

"Only some actually," Christy interrupted. "If you truly knew what went through this mind it would make you question your sanity. Also your shoe is untied."

"Right, huh," Katlyn looked down at her shoes. "I don't have laces!"

"I know," Christy laughed. "But you fall for it every time!"

"Right," Katlyn coughed, getting Christy attention. "Why does she have to be a fucking asshole."

"Wow Miss. Prim and Proper curses in her thoughts!" Christy laughed.

"Well now we know I am effected," Katlyn sighed. "Clearly I must watch my words, don't need another slip. Now get your bum to bed."

"What if I'm not tired," Christy replied crossing her arms. Katlyn stalked over to her and put her left finger on her nose.

"I have ways of making you," Katlyn said as she stuck a needle into Christy's arm. "Like the tranquilizer I just put into you."

"You are such a sneaky bitch," Christy laughed. "I love it!" she screamed as she wobbled to the bed and collapsed. "I'll get you next time you meddling kids, and your damn dog too! Cause!" she yawned. "No one suspects the Spanish Inquisition!"

Katlyn shook her head. "I swear she is insane. Now to go bug the female vampire's room."

Katlyn tried her hardest to keep her mind blank as she walked down to the dungeons. Of course the hand over her mouth did help keep what ever thoughts in.

"This is so beneath me," she muttered into her hand. "Helping her! Being her assistant! I should be my own boss. Why on Earth did I ever swear allegiance to the order of Erie Knoll. My talents are so wasted."

She stopped in front of a door. Feeling a Vampiric aura inside. "This must be her room, but why are there, damn."

Slowly opening the door, she saw Alucard sitting at the table with his legs crossed on top of the table. He was staring at a coffin in the room.

"Bloody hell," she said out loud her hand now removed from her mouth. "Doesn't he ever sleep."

"I sleep when ever I please," Alucard said. "Now hush I'm enjoying this. Police girl is having a nightmare."

"Please let me go!" Seras screamed from her coffin.

"Just as I thought," she muttered to herself. "Dreams count as thoughts and are voiced in sleep."

"No she has a habit of talking in her sleep," Alucard sighed. "What a stupid girl, how could the queen recomend her."

"I'll have you know I'm a scolar!" she fumed.

"I'm sure you are just compensating for something," Alucard laughed.

"Like what?"

"Like the fact you have never been with a man," he muttered. "Course what man would what a know it all girl like her. She is completely unwantable."

"Well excuse me you arrogant vampire for breathing," Katlyn screamed then left. Seras's coffin lid went up.

"Master," she yawned. "What happened?"

"Besides you driving me mad with your sleep talking," Alucard let slip. "Shit, this demon is annoying."

"I talk in my sleep," Seras gasped. "Oh God I hope he didn't hear those dreams I've had. This is too embarrassing."

"The only dream you talk in, is the night of the Cheddar incident," Alucard stated. "Wonder what these other dreams are."

"Nothing!" Seras said as she slammed the coffin shut and threw her hands over her mouth.

"That doesn't sound like nothing," Alucard laughed. "Police girl, are you having grown up dreams. I bet it's about that filthy captain. Yuck! He is a pig of a man."

"Least he is perverted like you," Seras thought out loud, laying in her coffin. "Oh shit he's going to kill me."

"He is perverted just like me," Alucard laughed. "Maybe if you wore more clothes you wouldn't have perverted men after you."

Seras heard his insane laughter grow softer. She figured he finally left.

"I need better choice of men," she sighed. "Just because he rescued me from that vampire priest does not me he is my knight in shinning amour."

"Still into fairy tales?" Alucard laughed. He hadn't left, he wanted to stay and have more fun with her.

"MASTER!"

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"I am a professional for heaven sake!" Katlyn was walking down the hall muttering into her hand again. "I can't let on pathetic vampire ruin my composure. Honestly, you are a Belton act like it!" 

"I see you have been effected as well Miss. Belton," Walter said as he was passing her in the hall.

"Yes," Katlyn sighed as she took her hand away from her mouth. "I don't understand how I can lose my cool around him. This is insane."

"Alucard lives to drive people insane," Walter replied. "He even gets to me, even though I barely show it."

"Please Alucard can't be any worst then that blasted witch I work for," Katlyn laughed. "She is truly insane."

"No argument here," said Christy popping up from behind Katlyn.

"ARRRG!" Katlyn scream. "You stupid bitch! Going around scaring people! Hey wait a minuet didn't I sedate you?"

"Oh right!" she said as she fell to the ground and pretended to be asleep.

"Well this is weird," Walter said.

"No this is normal," Katlyn sighed. "It doesn't work if I already seen you awake."

"Oh okay," she said getting up and brushing off her skirt.

"How is it you are awake," Katlyn observed. "That tranquilizer should have knocked her out for at least 8 hours. Yet here she is up and in front of me."

"I was hungry," Christy shrugged. "Can't sleep on an empty stomach, by the way. Where the hell is the kitchen?"

"I'll take you there," Walter volunteered.

"You're my new best friend," Christy said as she latched her arm around Walter's.

"You're fucking twenty years old act it!" Katlyn thought, then slapped her hand over her mouth.

"My my your mind has a filthy mouth," Christy laughed. "Now lead me to the food!"

"This place is officially a looney bin," Walter sighed. "Follow me."

"After you eat get back to bed," Katlyn ordered. "I will find out if you are effected by this demon."

"Ya, ya," Christy called to her as her and Walter made their way down the hall. "Food first! Sleep laterz."

"Why me!" Katlyn groaned. "Better see Sir Hellsing to find out more."

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**Next chapter will have more Seras scenes. Also any more requests or suggestions? Meh review too! Till next time!**


	4. Food and cigars

**smacks hand- bad writer! Getting caught up in the b-day rush to not set time aside to write. Shame shame! Alright I punished myself time to update. Thank you to my reviewers ****Spritzn, ar****alucardgal, ****Ms. Demeanor, ****WTFWonder, ****SetoLover-2151****, and ****SacredYoukai****. I will answer questions at the end. Also anything from Hellsing I do not own. **

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"Master I thought you left," Seras called from her coffin. "This is so embarrassing."

"Just because my laughter faded does not mean I left," Alucard laughed. "This is too easy."

"Master will you please just leave," Seras whined. "It's daylight and I'm tired."

"Fine," Alucard said as he faded out the wall. "The females of this place are such babies."

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"Sir Hellsing," Katlyn greeted as she entered Integra's office.

"Oh god it's you," Integra muttered. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to say that."

"No worries," Katlyn sighed. "After all you witness I'm sure we haven't labeled ourselves as great people to work with."

"So what is it you wanted?"

"What I want is to kill Christy," Katlyn blurted out then sighed. "Dammit, well since I can't do that. Shit why did I come in here? Right, I wanted to see the intelligence file you have on this demon and compare notes."

"Notes?" Integra questioned, as she reached into her drawer to pull out the file. "What the hell kind of notes does she have already. She's only been here for a couple of hours."

"I did say I am a demonologist," Katlyn sighed. "I've been here long enough to know that everyone is effected, except I don't know if Christy is. She has a tendency not to be effected by demons. I just need some details before I can start searching for said demon."

"How is it possible she isn't effected," Integra said tossing the folder at her. Katlyn started flipping through the folder. "Is it because she is completely nuts?"

"Could be," she sighed. "Hell if I know. She is hard to determine. I mean it could be she is completely insane or it could be a barrier around her body. I honestly don't know and it frustrates me to no end!"

"My associates frustrate me to no end too," Integra laughed. "Hence why I smoke."

"You know I should start," Katlyn laughed. Integra took a cigar out and lit it and then handed one to Katlyn. "I was joking!"

"Relaxes the nerves," Integra said as she took a puff.

"Hey Katie!" Christy said popping into the room.

"Ahhhh! My heart!" Katlyn gasped, and clutched her chest.

"What's wrong with your heart?" Christy asked.

"It's beating," Katlyn breathed.

"Doesn't it do that normally?" Integra gaped.

"Yes, but this time it's beating faster," Katlyn said catching her breath. "Now what did you want Christy?"

"I don't remember," Christy said scratching her head. "Oh well must not have been important. I'm hungry."

"Didn't Walter just feed you," Katlyn stared in shock.

"Um… shit," Christy said as she dashed out of the room.

"I take it back!" Katlyn huffed. "Pass the damn cigar."

"Ha, didn't take too long," Integra replied as she handed Katlyn a cigar. "Especially with a screwball like her. What do you think she did with Walter?"

"Heavens only knows," Katlyn sighed as she lit the cigar. "Good news is he's probly not dead."

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"Shitskies!" Christy said as she rounded a corner and bumped into Walter. "Sorry."

"No problem Miss. Christy," Walter said as he got off the floor where he fell. "No harm done, you tell Miss. Belton what you needed to?"

"Sure we'll go with that," replied Christy. "Food?"

"Right this way," Walter replied. "Christ is all she thinks about is food."

"Course it is," Christy laughed. "I wouldn't be me without my undying love of food."

"I didn't mean to insult you," Walter apologized.

"Please," Christy snorted. "If I was insulted that easily I may just be a lady, and since I ain't a lady you're fine."

"Right," Walter coughed. "The kitchen is right this way. Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot," she replied, and Walter cocked an eye at her. "Not literally, so just spit your question out boy."

"Is it the demon's power or are you naturally like this?" Walter asked. He figure he might as well, or he'll just blurt it out later. Christy stopped and stared at him, and then she did the strangest thing. "Good heavens! Why is she laughing? It wasn't that funny, was it?"

"I'm sorry Walter," she said while wiping a tear from her eye. "Also no this is the real deal."

"How can you tell?" Walter asked as the continued towards the kitchen. "Girls like her should be locked up with straight jackets."

"I'm not effected by any demon," Christy sighed. "Also you have to understand something about me. My childhood was terrible and I was forced to grow up too soon. This is my way for equaling it all out. I just need fun in my life."

"Sorry, I shouldn't have asked," Walter said to her, she nodded in response.

"Oooo," Christy gasped and put her hands over her ears. "My ears are a burning."

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"So wait," Katlyn laughed. "Alucard really did that to your commander!"

"Yes," Integra smirked. "I have been through fifteen commanders now."

"And I thought Christy was a hard one to work with," Katlyn and Integra had been smoking cigars, drinking brandy, and forging a friendship since Christy left. "She just drive people nuts, not scare the piss out of them. I've seen her pull pranks, but scaring the living shit out of people!"

"Alucard gives that statement a whole new meaning," Integra laughed. "I've seen a few soldiers piss and shit their pants at the sight of him."

"Oh my," Katlyn laughed then proceeded to fall off the edge of the desk she was sitting on. They both started laughing hysterically at this. "I'm sure my parents would love to see this sight. The scholar daughter of the witch family, drunk!"

"You're a witch too?" Integra asked, as Katlyn sat back on the edge of the desk.

"Was," Katlyn sighed, and wiped off her pants. "My powers where too great for me to control while I was younger. So an older witch put a lock on them. Problem was he died before he could unlock my powers. A witch with no powers what a failure."

"I'm sure they didn't see it that way," Integra said to comfort her.

"Like hell they didn't," Katlyn sighed heavily. "I had no interest in anything supernatural after that. Then I just decided to start researching myths and look where it got me. When they heard Erie Knoll was offering me a job I couldn't turn them down. They where so proud."

"So you make yourself a martyr for their approval," Integra remarked.

"Never put it that way personally, but," she sighed again. "Yes. I do martyr myself. It's such a burden to gain their approval."

"Maybe it's time to give that up and live for yourself," Integra said seriously.

"Says the Hellsing heir," Katlyn laughed darkly. "You know exactly what is expected for heirs of anything dealing with the other side. There is no way to escape it."

"You'll find your escape someday," Integra said as she lit a new cigar. "When it comes along take it and never look back."

"If your escape came would you take?" Katlyn blurted out. Integra got up from her seat and looked out the window.

"If my escape came," she turned and faced Katlyn. "I would be gone. Let someone else fight this fight. Why me? Why should I fight because of my last name. Then I think if I left who would protect those innocents? I did have the chance. I let it go. I woke Alucard, and I will stand by my choice. This could have been my uncle's burden, but I wanted to fight and protect them. I chose this path for me and I will stick with it. The difference between you and me, is I chose it for me and no one else."

"Liar," Katlyn muttered. "You chose to save innocents, I chose to save my family. No more arguments over my future. This is what I did to keep my family together."

"Then we are both martyrs," Integra laughed. Alucard fazed into the room at this time.

"Both of you are insane," he laughed. "I'm the one who is bound and sealed to a certain fate, while you two could run out of her naked. You are not bound to anything but yourself."

"I think he just wants to see us naked," Katlyn laughed. Integra laughed with her, while Alucard got frustrated and left.

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**Blah that was horrible, drama started creeping in there. Oh well. Q&A time. As for this being a AxS I'm not sure. I was going to hit alot on Seras's liking Alucard. What does everyone think? Should I put an AxS in this? More crazy Christy to come. I promise to update shortly. Keep the reviews, questions, ideas coming. Till next time!**


	5. Oreos and wine

**-scratches head- Wow it's covered in so much dust. -gets out feather duster- time to fix that problem. Thank you to my reveiwers kitty1994, chris, WTFWonder, DaysOfTheNight, SacredYoukai, and Ms. Demeanor.** **Also I found Pip! Oh with my story. And no own any Hellsing relatedness!**

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"How can you eat all that?" Walter gasped as Christy shoved another Oreo covered in peanut butter in her mouth. "You ate Oreos and peanut butter. Marshmellows covered with peanut butter. An apple covered in peanut butter. Also the jar of peanut butter by itself. I do believe we will have a peanut butter sortage soon."

"Cause," she said as she swallowed the peanut buttery chocolaty goodness. "I can. Besides you only live once so eat whatever the hell you want!"

"I'm having a heart attack just watching you," Walter replied as he leaned against the wall of the kitchen. Alucard fazed threw the wall.

"Integra is drunk," he told Walter in a monotone voice.

"What," Walter gaped as his jaw hit the floor. "Sir Hellsing does not get drunk."

"If she's with Katie and they have alcohol she's trashed," Christy said as she covered another Oreo in peanut butter. "I should know I taught her how to hold her alcohol down."

"You taught her?" Walter cocked an eyebrow at her. "You drink?"

"Yep," she replied shoving the peanut butter covered Oreo in her mouth.

"I have to see this," Walter said as he went to see what Integra was doing.

"So your name is Alucard, right?" Christy said as she popped another Oreo into her mouth.

"Yeah so," he said as he sat down at the table across from her and plopped he feet on the table. "What's it to you?"

"Well," she started as she swallowed his Oreo. "It's Dracula spelled backwards. So are you Drac?"

"Maybe I am," Alucard let an evil grin pass over his lips. "What would it matter to you witch?"

"Dracula, the first vampire," she said as she piled peanut butter on another Oreo. "Destroy him and all evil linked to him will be destroyed. Yet evil spelled backwards is live, so to live their must be evil in the world. For evil to survived it must live. So to let evil survive is to let you live."

"What are you going on about?" Alucard gaped at her. "I don't think I have ever been more confused in my life."

"Sorry Oreo induced rant."

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"No way! With a demon! Gross!" Walter heard what sounded like Integra squeal from outside her bedroom. He opened the door and went into a dead faint. Katlyn and Integra where sitting on Integra's bed. Integra had on a white tank top and red pajama bottoms with black crosses all over them, courtesy of Katlyn. Katlyn had on a black tank top and black pajama bottoms on with blue flames on them.

"I kid you not," Katlyn said as she took a sip of the wine bottle she had next to her. "The same demon we are trying to destroy, there is Christy kissing him. Now why on this Goddess's green Earth would she do that I'll never know."

"We are suppose to destroy evil not matter how good it looks," Integra laughed. At this time Pip was walking down the hall and looked into the room. As he stared and walked he tripped over Walter's body.

"Who the hell put a body here!" he screamed from the floor. Katlyn and Integra looked to see Walter and Pip sprawled out on the floor.

"Oh my god, you killed Walter!" Integra screamed.

"You bastard!" Katlyn gasped.

"HEY!" Christy shouted. "You guys are having a slumber party without me?"

She stepped on Pip's back as she walked into the room.

"Well join us!" Katlyn giggled again. Christy ripped off her shirt and pink skirt to reveal a light pink tank top and pink pajama shorts that barely covered her butt with turtles on them. She then jumped on the bed and snatched the wine bottle from Katlyn. Pip took this moment to get off Walter and gape at the three girls on the bed.

"Do I get to join to?" Pip asked from the door.

"Girls only," Katlyn and Integra screamed together. Christy flicked her wrist and the door slammed in Pip's face.

"MEANIES!" Pip cried and walked away. Walter finally came to his senses, sat up and looked at the door. Giggling could be heard from the other side and he decided to just walk away.

"I really don't want to know at this point," Walter sighed as he walked away.

In the room Integra got the nerve to ask Christy a question that had been bugging her for the past five minuets. "Did you really kiss a demon?"

"Katie has been telling old stories eh," Christy laughed. "Yes I did. Then Katie killed him."

"He was a demon!" Katlyn replied drinking a newly opened bottle of wine. "We are there to destroy not kiss."

"Just because he was a demon did not mean he was evil," Christy said, shooting daggers at Katlyn.

"Yes it does," Katlyn laughed.

"Oh and just cause we are witches means we are evil and worship the devil," Christy angrily retorted. She shoved the bottle of wine into Integra's hands. "Ya know what Katlyn go to HELL!"

Integra and Katlyn blinked as they watched Christy storm out. They looked to each other then broke out into laughter. Christy walked outside to the nearest balcony and looked up to the sky as she let out a sigh.

"Who do they think they are deciding what is evil and what's not," she hissed. Not realizing she wasn't the only one on the balcony Pip spoke to her from the shadows he was in.

"Is it not their jobs?" she jumped as Pip spoke. Christy turned and faced him.

"What if they are wrong," she told him. "What if they label something evil just because of what species it is and not what it truly is."

"Like Mrs. Victoria," Pip murmured. "They think she is evil because she is a vampire."

"Is she Pip?"

"No," he sighed. "She is a golden hair angel."

"Katlyn will get it in the end," Christy laughed as she look up at the half full moon.

"How do you know?" Pip said as he came to stand next to her. She looked at him and smiled.

"I saw it in the cards, Pip" Christy said, and she turned and sat on the iron railing.

"How is it you know my name?" Pip asked as he leaned against the rail facing her.

"It was in the file," Christy laughed. "Pip Bernadette leader of the Wild Geese. Mercenaries, and damn good ones too."

"So you know about me," Pip laughed. "But it leaves the question of just who you are exactly."

"Christy Emerald," she said as she held out her hand. "Third class witch of Erie Knoll."

"Third class?" Pip said as he cocked an eyebrow.

"Yep. Means I am a full capable witch that won't destroy the world. Also it means I have gone through all my apprenticeship training. Hence why I am here."

"Well it is a pleasure to meat you," Pip said kissing the top of her hand. He did let go and she yanked her hand away quickly.

"You aren't as smooth as you think French boy," Christy laughed as she hopped off the railing. "Well night."

He watched as she ran down the hall, jumped into the air and then did a twirl and continued to dance down the hall.

"Well that was interesting," Pip laughed to himself.

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**Hmmm Christy got serious on me there at the end.**

**Christy: Sorry. Blame the peanut butter! It's all the peanut butter's fault!**

**Next chapter you better go back to being crazy.**

**Christy: Fine, I'll do the commie chicken rant next time.**

**Oh okay. I love that rant! It's one of the best! You need to do more rants...**

**Christy: and make people question their sainity? AWSOME! You are going to let me go completely nutso next chapter!**

**-watches Christy dance away- I'm scared for the Hellsing crew now. Anywho reviews pls-gives puppy dog eyes- Their will be some AxS action next chapter and mehaps some PxS. Anything else you guys wanna see happen? Till next time!**


	6. Chicken anyone?

**Hmm two reviews last chapter, confirms my suspsion that last chapter sucked. and it's all Christy's fault.**

**Christy: Then it would be your own fault since I am apart of you because you created me.**

**As if I have control over my own creations! -huge smile crosses Christy's lips, then she runs away- Umhmm -cough- right so thank you to my reviewers Susume and Jay FicLover. Also I will be using some of those idea next chapter. On with what ever this is!**

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"What do you mean you aren't talking to me," Katlyn groaned as she held an ice pack to her head. Her and Christy sat in the kitchen the next morning. Walter set a glass in front of her, it was filled with a disgusting looking gray liquid.

"Sure fire cure for a hang over," Walter said. "Just don't ask what's in it."

"Right," Katlyn said as she took a sip. She started gagging as soon as the liquid touched her tongue. "Ugh, gross!"

"Serves you right," Christy muttered.

"So why isn't she talking to you?" Walter asked as he straighten the counters up.

"One can only imagine her reason," Katlyn groaned as she laid her head on the table. Christy wrote something on a piece of paper and pushed it towards Katlyn who picked it up and read it. "Because you are a fucking bitch. Gee thanks now my day is complete. Excuse me while I go shoot myself." Christy slid another piece to her. "You should, and take those communist chickens down with you. What communist chickens?" Christy slid another paper towards her. "The ones in Animal Farm, and Scotland."

"I thought the pigs where the communist?" asked a confused Walter.

"No!" Christy huffed. "The pigs where dictators. No one ever notices the chickens! They peck at the ground. Um hello Morse code! They are connect threw a whole network of secret chicken agencies. They plan to take over the world and feast on turkey legs!"

"You're not human," Katlyn groaned.

"I'm certifiably human," Christy stated.

"Prove it," Katlyn said as she sat up straight. Christy pulled a birth certificate from her pocket.

"See this certificate, it certifies me as human," she smirked.

"I hate you," Katlyn groaned as she slammed her head on the table. "Ow! That was stupid."

"Fine," Christy said as she put her birth certificate in her pant pocket. "Don't come running to me when the chickens take over the world."

"The day chickens take over the world is the day I marry a cow," Katlyn groaned.

"I don't think you can do that legally," Christy said as she got up. Katlyn eyed her, and notice she was wearing a shirt that had I -heart- Asbestos on it, and torn jeans.

"Oh goddess you look like trash!" Katlyn gasped.

"And you look trashed," Christy replied. Katlyn groaned and put her head back on the table and groaned louder.

"And I'm a trash man," Walter sighed. "Now will you both end this ridicules argument!"

"FINE!" Christy huffed as she stormed from the room.

"Thank you Walter," Katlyn sighed.

"It's your own fault for letting her get to you," Walter said as he placed a cup of tea before her. "Learn to ignore her craziness, like I ignore Alucard's insanity."

"Does Alucard talk about chickens taking over the world?"

"No, not yet he hasn't." Walter laughed then looked out the kitchen window. "HOLY SHIT! THAT'S A TEN FOOT CHICKEN!"

"WHAT?" Katlyn screamed as she ran over to the window. "Walter, why is there a ten foot chicken in the middle of the yard?"

"Because chickens are taking over the world," he gaped. "I must inform sir Hellsing!"

"I refuse to marry a cow!" she called after Walter, whom was running to Integra's office. He bumped into Pip and knocking him on his ass. Pip stared at Walter as he continued to run down the hall.

"Now what was that about?" Pip muttered as he got off the ground. He heard giggling behind him and turned to see Christy laughing at him.

"You just got knock on your ass by an old man," she laughed. "So much for being a big tough soldier!"

"I let him knock me down," Pip muttered as he turned away. "Besides he was in a bigger rush then me."

"Which means he found the ten foot chicken outside," she laughed then walked past Pip. Turning and facing him, she let a grin form on her lips. "So you have a crush on Seras."

"Wha…NO!" Pip replied flustered. "I would never admit I like her. Shit."

"Ha," she giggled as she turned and skipped down the hall.

"Strange one she is," Pip sighed.

"Walter there is no such thing as a ten foot chicken and I'm going to prove it," Integra yelled as she stormed down the hallway. "This whole mansion has lost their mind! Move PIP!"

"Yes, sir!" he squeaked as he pressed against the wall. "She sure is a bitch today."

"SHUT UP!" Integra screamed as she turned and slapped him. "Asshole."

"Sir Hellsing when have I ever lied to you!" Walter said as he caught up to her. They contuined to walk down the hall. "I have been more faithful and truthful then this whole lot combined! When I tell you I saw a ten foot chicken then I did!"

Pip watched them as they pasted him, he was rubbing the red hand print on his cheek. "Someone has P.M.S."

"Pissed her off didn't you?" Alucard laughed as he came from the shadows, startling Pip, who fell on his butt again.

"Shit," Pip muttered. "Do you always have to do that?"

"Yes," Alucard laughed as he faded into the wall.

"CHICKEN!" Pip heard Integra scream. He ran down and out the front door to see Integra and Walter staring up at a ten foot chicken.

"It's pink," Pip gasped. "Where the hell does a pink ten foot chicken come from?"

"Why a chicken?" Integra sighed as she shook her head. "I don't believe this. I bet Christy has something to do with this."

"You guess right," Christy said behind the group. Startled they all fell over. "Beauty ain't she. Told you chickens would take over the world."

"It doesn't count if you create it," Walter replied, as he stood up. Christy stuck out her tongue then ran off. "What a child."

"Yes, but she has a cute butt," Pip replied, and received a glare from Integra.

"Pervert," she muttered. "Take care of this chicken problem. I'm going back to bed."

"Yes sir," Walter replied then looked to the chicken. "You heard her Pip, take care of it. I'm going to go attend to Katlyn."

Pip watched as the both left him their. "HEY! How the hell did I get stuck with the ten foot chicken? GUYS! What am I suppose to do? Aww man."

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Seras awoke that night with strange sounds coming from the outside of her coffin. She opened her lid to see a pink ten foot chicken crammed into her room. Letting out a wicked loud scream, and shutting the coffin lid she found herself trapped. The chicken pecked at the coffin. Alucard heard her scream and fazed into her room.

"So that's what Pip did with the chicken," Alucard laughed.

"Master help me!" Seras called from the coffin.

"Beg," Alucard said as he leaned against the wall.

"WHAT?" Seras screamed.

"You know I love it when you beg, so do it," he laughed. Pip opened up the door.

"Hey have you guys seen a… oh there it is!" Pip said as he walked over the chicken. "Come on chicken dude, you need to go back to my room."

Alucard watched as Pip left with the chicken. Seras took this moment to get out of her coffin. She walked over to her master.

"You are such a bastard!" she said then gasped and covered her mouth. "I didn't mean to say that!"

"No," Alucard glared at her. "But you meant to think it!"

Seras watched him faze through the wall. "I'm in trouble!"

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**A gaint chicken is the best you could come up with?**

**Christy: It's only the start!**

**Great. Welp I need to go eat, so review, comments, questions, suggestions. Till next time.**


	7. Ice cream and shirts

**Back again! YAY! Thank you to my reviewers ThatOneChickWhoWritesAlot, ShinobiKid12, SacredYoukai, chris, midnight killer02, MaryAuksi, and Itai silver eyes. Also when I am done with the chicken ShinobiKid12 can have it. Still no own Hellsing.**

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"Ha I'm beating you," Christy laughed as she shoveled more ice cream in her mouth. Her and Pip where having an ice cream eating contest.

"I keep getting brain freeze," he groaned, as he stared at her. Today she had a pink shirt on that said 'Thank you for staring at my tits, Pervert!' Pip could help but stare, and read the saying over and over again. Katlyn walked into the kitchen, she looked at Christy, then Pip, and lastly at the empty ice cream containers thrown about the kitchen.

"How can you guys eat so much ice cream?" she gaped.

"Easy," Christy said as she shoveled more chocolate ice cream into her mouth. "It's good."

"You make me sick," Katlyn replied as she grabbed a soda from the fridge. "I feel like we forgot something."

"You mean the fact you are here to destroy a demon and not eat all the food in our house," Alucard said as he phased into the kitchen.

"Shhhh," Christy hissed. "Don't remind her, or I may actually have to work."

"Nice shirt," Alucard laughed as he read it. Then he found himself unable to look away. Katlyn however noticed both Alucard and Pip staring at Christy's chest.

"MEN!" she huffed as she walked from the room. Passing a confused Walter she disappeared down the hall. Continuing into the kitchen he stared down at the mess.

"That's it I quit," Walter huffed. "Blood and guts everywhere I can take, but this is just disgusting. Pip you are such a pig!"

"Dude, only two of those containers are mine," Pip said as he shoveled down more of his strawberry ice cream. "The other five are hers."

"You can't seriously think a small girl like her ate five gallons of ice cream."

"You can't seriously believe a light weight like Pip could do it either," Alucard laughed as he tried to stop staring at Christy, and failing miserably.

"Actually after this morning I could believe she ate them," Walter said, as he thought of her eating all those peanut butter covered foods. "No peanut butter ice cream?"

"Nah," she said as she threw the chocolate aside and started eating cookies and creams. "I had enough peanut butter this morning."

Walter saw the black writing on her shirt and ended up not being able to take his eyes off her shirt.

"Oh god I am a perverted old man!" Walter said rather loudly, and Christy stared at him. Alucard and Pip heard him but didn't comment, they where distracted. "IGNORE ME!"

Christy watched Walter quickly leave, but not before walking into the kitchen door. She noticed the other two still staring at her and looked down at her shirt.

"Oh bloody hell!" she said as she ran from the room. Pip and Alucard felt like a hold over them was released.

"What the hell just happened," Pip said as he held his head as another brain freeze came over him. "I haven't stared at anyone that long since I met Seras."

"What would that have to do with anything?"

"Well Vampy, if you haven't notice Seras is hot," Pip said as he leaned back in his chair. "Honestly she could turn any man on with just a wink. And those perky…"

"PIP!" Seras shouted as she walked into the room. She had over heard Pip, and was in shock. Pip had fallen backwards out of his chair. "I would like it if you would please refrain from that kind of talk about me."

"Awww police girl," Alucard laughed. "He was just speaking of how much he liked those perky cheeks of yours."

"Perky cheeks and other parts," Pip mumbled as he got back to his feet. Seras turned bright red, and Alucard saw his chance for pay back. He advanced on Seras.

"Police Girl are you not a woman," he said as he closed the gap between them. "Maybe I have over looked something Pip hasn't."

Seras was the color of blood now, and Alucard had pinned her to a wall, and she was staring into his yellow sun glasses. Taking an unnecessary breath she pushed past her master and ran out of the kitchen.

"Does this mean Seras is off limits?" Pip asked as he leaned against the table.

"NO!" Alucard screamed as he fled the room. Pip laughed at Alucard being flustered. Christy reappeared wearing a sky blue tank top with a bear on it.

"Ready to eat more ice cream?" she said as she sat back down at the table.

"Why the change of clothes?" Pip asked as he reseated himself.

"Cause I realized I had the joke shirt Rowan bought me," she said as she picked up her spoon. "It makes any guy who reads the shirt unable to take his eyes off my chest."

"Ah so that's the reason I couldn't stop staring at you chest," Pip laughed.

"Actually your just a pervert who stares at women," she said taking a bit of her ice cream. "But you like butts and legs more the breast. I see the way you eye up Sears's legs, and Integra's when she had the pjs on."

"I deny it all!" Pip said hastily.

"Hey Pip, where's my chicken?"

"Uh let's not talk about that," Pip said as he picked up his ice cream

"PIP!"

"I'm in love with it!" he said as he ran from the room. Christy shrugged her shoulders and contuined to eat her ice cream.

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**Muwhahahahahahahahahaha**

**Christy: OOO Evil laugh! Means more insainity to come! SQUEE! Till next time, and as always reviews!**


	8. Bye bye chicken

**Here is a short chapter of how ShinobiKid12 gets the chicken. Thank you to my reviewers Agent HUNK, DaysOfTheNight, Susume, and of course ShinobiKid12. On with the show!**

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"Maybe we should take a picture?" Katlyn asked as she held back her laughter.

"How do you think they got like that?" Integra asked as she tried to keep a straight face.

"I'm not sure," Katlyn laughed. "But it must be quite a story."

"Blackmail time!" Walter sang as he walked into a room and snapped a photo.

Two hours earlier.

"Give me my chicken back!" Christy shouted as she pounded on Pip's door.

"It's my chicken!" Pip screamed from the other side of the door, where clucking could be heard as well.

"I want my CHICKEN!" she whined then began stomping her feet. Alucard phased into the hallway. Standing in front of her, he glared down at her.

"I can hear you all the way in the dungeon," he growled. "Now knock off this childlessness!"

"I will if you get my chicken back," Christy replied.

"FINE!" Alucard huffed. He phased into the room, and then clucking, banging, and muffled cries of help could be heard. Watching the door in silence, Christy failed to notice Seras coming up behind her.

"What's going on in there?" Seras asked.

"AHHH HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" Christy screamed as she jumped and ran in horror, crashing through the door. Seras peeked in the door, and saw Alucard with a chicken in a head lock, and Pip holding onto the ten foot chicken's leg.

"DON'T DO THAT!" Christy yelled as she reappeared in the doorway.

"Shouldn't we stop them?" Seras asked as she stepped into the room.

"Be my guest," Christy yawned then sat on the bed. Seras stared at her, the looked to Alucard.

"Master stop!" she pleaded. "You'll hurt the chicken."

"This chicken is gonna die!" Alucard screamed. "Unless is coughs up my hat!"

"Don't hurt my love chicken!" Pip shouted at Alucard.

"It ate my favorite hat!"

"It has to have my children!"

"You're all on fucking drugs!" Christy said as she looked at the scene. "Bye bye chicken."

With a flick of her wrist the ten foot pink chicken had disappeared into a pile of feathers. Pip and Alucard, both with hands full of pink feathers, turned to stare at Christy. Taking a nervous breath and stepping back was all Christy could do before the two charged her.

"My HAT!" Alucard screamed as he tackled Christy.

"My CHICKEN!" Pip screamed as he joined them in the tangle of limbs rolling on the floor. Seras went to leave when she got caught in the fight. Two hours later they were all passed out in exhaustion. Katlyn walked by the door and looked in on the sight. Alucard sleeping with Pip in a head lock, who had Christy by the waist. Who had handfuls of Seras's hair, who was holding Alucard by his ankles. They where all sleeping peacefully, until Walter snapped a picture. The two vampires awoke, Katlyn, Integra, and Walter quickly left.

"Seras," Alucard said as he released his hold on Pip and helped Seras's untangle her hair from Christy's hands. "We will never speak of this again."

"Yes master," she said as she pulled her hair out from Christy's hands. They quickly left the room. Alucard turned around and righted the door. Dawn was coming and the vampires returned to their coffins. Pip snuggled Christy closer to him, from where they lay on the floor.

"I knew you come around Seras," he said half asleep. Christy's eyes flew open.

"Pip," she said startled. "How did we end up like this?"

"Christy?" he said as his eyes flew open. "I don't know."

"Well if we are going to sleep like this, can we at least sleep on a bed?" Pip picked her up and placed her on his bed, and got in bed with her. Wrapping his arms around her they both started to fall asleep again.

"What did you do with the chicken?" Pip asked.

"Who knows," she yawned. "Sleep now."

They both quickly fell asleep. Meanwhile at ShinobiKid12's house

"Who wants another chicken leg?"

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**Well it's almost 2am, and my insomnia is still here, dammit janet! Well reviews are welcomed as usual, and any other creatures of unusal size and colors you want to see? Till next time!**


	9. Pink Pimping

**Wow this is defiantly one of my most popular fics. YAY for me! I'm proud of myself! (Does crazy drunken sailor jig) Anyway! Thank you to my reviewers ThatOneChickWhoWritesAlot, Agent HUNK, Susume, ShinobiKid12, J.M.G, midnight killer02, chris, and Scifigi626. Also ShinobiKid12 your welcome! And I did notice I have neglected poor Seras, so now she comes out to play!**

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Christy sprawled out on the couch in the break room. Most of the house had gone to bed, except for a few. Seras was one of those few, and she just had to ask Christy something. Finding her in the break room, she sat on a chair facing the couch.

"Christy?" she said as she sat.

"Whats up Vampy babe?" Christy yawned.

"I need to ask you something."

"Shoot," Christy said as she sat up on the couch cross legged.

"Well…um…" Seras said as she twisted her hands in her lap and looked down at the floor. "It's stupid to ask Seras so don't. but I must find out if there is something going on between her and Pip…"

"Oh my Goddess," Christy gasped as she broke out into a fit of laughter. "Me…hahaha…and….Pip….Bahahahahaha that's bloody hilarious!"

"But you guys slept in the same bed last night," Seras replied.

"Doesn't mean a damn thing," she said as she wiped a tear from her mind. "Shit if I got with have the guys I slept in the same bed with, well damn that's more guys I been wit then Hugh Heiffner has bunnies."

"Huh?"

"Um never mind," Christy said as she laid back down on the couch. "He's all yours Vampy babe."

"I never said…"Seras began.

"Didn't have to," Christy interrupted. "Your question itself told me you are interested. Besides he's a man in uniform, most chicks dig that. So have fun."

"Christy," Alucard fumed as he stormed into the room. "What's this?"

"A pink pimp hat," she replied as she looked up at him. "I figured since the chicken ate yours, I'd make you one out of her feathers. Now you are the pimpest vampire out there."

"I'm suppose to be the deadliest! Not the pimpest!" he fumed and he threw the pink pimp hat off his head, and it landed on Seras's head. "No one would take me serious in that thing."

"Aww Seras," Christy squealed as she sat up and pointed a finger at Seras. "Now you're the pimpest vampire!"

"Can't you just materialize a new hat, master?" Seras asked as she took the hat off.

"BESIDES THE POINT!" Alucard fumed.

"Thought I smelled something burning. Alucard you better watch it before the sprinklers go off," Pip said as he walked into the room and jumped onto the couch. He wrapped his arm around Christy. "Hello love."

"You want another black eye?" Christy replied, as he fist curled. Receding his arm quickly, he looked at the hat nn Seras's hands.

"Awesome hat!" Pip said as he took it out of her hands. Placing his hat on Seras, he put the pink pimp hat on his head. "Who's your daddy?"

"Not you thank the winter," Christy replied disgusted. "I'm going to go shoot myself now."

"Bye love!" Pip called after her as she left the room. Seras looked up at him.

"You're such an insensitive JERK!" Seras screamed then bolted from the room.

"What's wrong with your fledgling tonight?" Pip asked Alucard.

"Nothing," he said as he swiped the hat back. "Also this is my HAT!"

"Didn't look like you wanted it before."

"BESIDES THE POINT!" Alucard screamed as he left the room. Pip saw a flash from down the hall, and Alucard's roar. Walter then walked into the break room camera in hand and smirk on his face.

"Getting good pictures?" Pip said as he plopped on the couch and put his feet on the coffee table.

"Yep," Walter said as he swatted Pip's feet off the table. "Including the shot of Christy elbowing you in the eye when you tried to feel her up this morning."

"Hey! She did sleep in my bed last night!" Pip replied defending himself.

"And that's suppose to mean what to me exactly?" Walter laughed.

"This sucks," Pip muttered as he crossed his arms and started sulking.

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**Next chapter will have a 20ft green koala, a chicken suit, a freak attack, and who knows what else! Keep those reviews coming! Till next time!**


	10. Freak attack and more

**Ha I am back! Also this story really has not plot except Insainity! I write the chapters early in the morning, or late at night depending on how you look at 12am to 2am hours. thank you to my reviewers MaryAuksi, ShinobiKid12, dragoness triplets, Scifigi626, dragonlance, J.M.G, and chris. Also I know I am being a bit slow on the AxS pairing, but my mind is over flowing with insainity! Still don't own anything Hellsing related, and I don't own ShinobiKid12, or do I? Muwhahahahahahahaha! No I really don't. Insainity HOOOOOOO!**

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"Seras?" Pip said as he poked his head in Seras room.

"What Pip?" she said, as she sat at her table, glaring at a packet of blood.

"I have a HUGE favor to ask you?"

"Okay," Seras sighed and looked up at him. "What is it?"

"Just follow!" he said as he yanked her out of the chair and ran down the hall with her. "Trust me it's going to be great!"

"Pip? Seras? What are you guys doing?" Christy asked as the bumped past her in the hall.

"Sorry!" Seras called back as she was being dragged down the hall.

"No your not!" Christy laughed. "Oh God."

"YOU!" Katlyn roared as she was walking down the hallway. Grabbing Christy she begin to drag her towards Integra's office. "I can't believe you! First a chicken! Then a fight! Now a bloody fucking pimp hat! Honestly can't you do anything productive?"

"Um….no comment!" Christy replied as she was still being drugged. "Am I in trouble?"

"You don't even know!" Katlyn said through her gritted teeth. They entered the office, and Katlyn threw Christy into the desk. "Now can we deal with the slight goddamned demon problem!"

"What demon problem?" replied Christy.

"The demon problem you where sent her to fix," Integra stated as she looked up from her files. Cigar hanging from her mouth she answered the ringing phone. "Sir Integra….yes right on it." She hung up the phone and stared at the girls. "Seems there is a Freak attack happing in downtown London."

"Freak?" Katlyn said. "Oh I must go. So much research to do. No other Vampireologist has ever done research on these chipped Freaks that pretend to be vampires! Think of the prestige!"

"We're going on the mission aren't we," Christy sniffed.

"OF COURSE WE BLOODY FUCKING ARE! PRESTIGE!"

"Did anyone ever tell you, you think way to much of what others think of you and your work," Christy sighed.

"You have," Katlyn replied as she glared at her. "Unlike some witches in here who still have their power, and doesn't have to prove herself every minuet of her fucking life, I have to bring honor to he Belton name, and I bloody well will!"

"I was afraid you might say that," Christy groaned.

"ALUCARD!" Integra scream for her faithful, but annoying servant.

"You screeched?" he laughed as he fazed threw the wall.

"There is a Freak attack," she said, not letting Alucard get to her. "You know the routine, and those two are coming with you."

"Where's your pimp hat?" Christy asked.

"Do I have to?" Alucard whined.

"Just do your job and get out of my sight!" Intergra roared. Alucard fazed out mumbling his dislike of his master. "You two head down to the trucks out front and get in them. They will take you to the Freak sight. Also if you get harmed or killed I will not be held accountable."

"Thank you sir Hellsing!" Katlyn shouted with glee, as she dragged Christy out.

"Ya thanks," Christy replied, her voice filled with venom.

"Come on!" Katlyn shouted as she pulled her again. They passed Pip and Seras running out of Pip's room. Christy broke free of Katlyn's grasp.

"Why are you two in pink chickens suits?" Christy gaped.

"Oh shit," Pip said as he and Seras took off the chicken suits over their clothes. "We where having a séance to contact my chicken."

"You're weird," Christy stated as Katlyn pulled her out to the trucks again.

"I told you it was a bad idea," Seras huffed as she followed them out to the trucks.

"But I loved that chicken like my own wife!" Pip said as he followed her.

"Pip you don't have a wife," Seras replied.

"Not now, but I was going to marry that chicken," Pip sighed. Seras slapped him.

"You are such an idiot!" Seras replied as she stormed away.

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"Come out come out where ever you are," Alucard laughed as he wandered down town London, which was usually quiet. "No Ghouls, no Freaks, what the fuck is this!"

"Looks like a bust," Christy said as she came up besides Alucard.

"AHHHH! WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM!" Alucard roared. "I hate being caught off guard like that!"

"Well that's easy! I came from inside my mommy," she said full of child like innocence.

"I hate you," Alucard muttered.

"Thanks! You are the 3,798th person to claim they hate me! 202 more and I'll hit 4 thousand!" she smiled.

"Right, so where is everyone else?"

"Behind you," Katlyn sighed. "Bye bye research. So long prestige!"

"Huh?" a confused Seras uttered. "What are you talking about?"

"You still have a pink feather in your hair," Pip said as he took it out of Seras's hair.

"Well this has been fun lets leave," Christy said, as she turned to leave and bumped into a cop. "Sorry bout…shit you're a Freak."

"You're correct!" the cop replied gleefully. "You're also dinner!"

"Sorry, my blood is diseased ridden and I have high cholesterol," Christy said as she backed up. Katlyn rushed forward.

"Amazing! It looks exactly like a vampire! But it isn't! so where is this chip implanted? How long ago was it implanted? Can you eat and drink other things beside blood? Can you drink animal blood? How about blood from the deceased?"

"Wha…what?" replied the shock vampires. Everyone started backing up real slow from Katlyn and the freak. Then Christy sneezed, and the Freak was squashed by the foot of a 20ft green Koala bear.

"Where the hell did that come from?" Alucard gasped.

"NOOOOOO! YOU KILLED MY GUINEA PIG! MY EXPERMENT! MY PRESTIGE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Katlyn takes a deep breath. "HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Okay I feel better now."

"Sorry bout the 20ft Koala, I'm allergic to people who try to suck my blood," Christy said as she looked at the ground.

"As you stand next to two vampires," Alucard sighed. Christy sneezed again. The green Koala instantly shrunk to normal size and fell into Pips arms.

"Awww I got a baby!" Pip squealed.

"I wish you would get a brain!" Alucard roared. "Let's go Police Girl. I had enough of this for one night."

"Yes master!" Seras replied cheerfully as she followed her master.

"Hey you guys want some bbqued chicken? We got plenty!" asked a voice from the house next to them.

"Only one place you could have got chicken legs that big," Christy gasped.

"NOOOOOOOOO! MY CHICKEN LOVE! YOU ATE HER!" Pip cried. "I have an idea!"

1 hour later.

"This is ridicules!" Integra muttered. She was sitting on the floor in a monkey suit in Pip's room. "Why the hell am I in a monkey suit!"

"Because I ran out of chicken suits!" Pip replied. "So you and Walter just have to where the monkey suits I found. So Christy as the maker of the Chicken you sit on the right of the alter, and ShinoKid12 as cooker and eater of the Chicken you sit at the left of the alter."

Christy and ShinobiKid12 sit down where they where told on Pip's alter to the Chicken. They where both in pink chicken suits. Walter and Integra sat on either side of the door across from the alter to be guards. Pip then proceeded to doing a dance around the alter in the center of the room.

"Come back to me chicken LOVE! Come and answer your mates dance!" Pip called out and continued to dance. The result he go was a burp from ShinobiKid12.

"Excuse you!" Christy giggled.

"THAT'S IT YOU BROKE MY CONCENTARION! THIS IS FAILURE! ALL FAILURE!" Pip roared as he stormed out of the room.

"Wanna come back to my place and get some more chicken?" ShinobiKid12 asked Christy.

"Sure why not!" Christy agreed and they walked out.

"This is the last time I do a favor for anyone!" Integra roared.

"Look! I'm MONKEY MAN!" Walter screamed as he jumped out the window.

"Has everyone lost their minds! Wait! Now I am talking to myself peachy. Just end the chapter already! Shit now who am I talking to? Stop it! End! THE END OF CHAPTER!"

Room fades to black

"Thank you!"

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**So let's see for next chapter, we will have some Pip flirting with Seras, a jelous and possesive Alucard, puppies, and what ever else you guys suggest to see! So review! Till next chapter!**


	11. Pigs can fly!

**And now all those insane ideas you have suggested put together to make a very insane Hellsing episode. Thank you to the reviewers ****capt. n****MaryAuksi****, J.M.G, DaysOfTheNight, ****ShinobiKid12, ****SacredYoukai, ****ThatOneChickWhoWritesAlot****, and chris. If you don't see your name up here it means one thing. You need to review and add your insainity to this baby! Still don't own Hellsing.**

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"Where the hell where you all day," Pip asked Christy as he walked into the break room, and saw her sprawled out on the couch again.

"I was eating chicken," she sighed. "Then Walter found me. Screamed Monkey MAN! Then threw me over his shoulder and brought me back here."

"So you let Walter carry you?" Pip asked as he leaned on the back of couch and stared down at her.

"Forget it Pip," Christy said as she sat up. "The day I let you grope me is the day I marry you, and the day I marry you is the day pigs fly."

"How long must this pig obtain flight?" Pip asked her.

"If you catapult it, it doesn't count," she said as she left the room.

"I could help you," Katlyn told him. "I over heard it all, just leave everything to me."

Katlyn ran out of the room with evil laughter escaping her mouth, and brushed past Christy in the hall.

"Well that was slightly out of the ordinary," Christy laughed. Then Walter ran past her, still in the monkey suit screaming 'Monkey MAN!'. "And everything is back to normal. Yo! Alucard!"

"WHAT!" he roared as he turned around to glare at her.

"Jeez mood swings already," she sighed.

"Huh?"

"Congrats Alucard," she said full of sunny cheerfulness. "You're having puppies and Seras is the father."

Alucard's jaw hit the floor as Christy skipped off. "You can't say something like that then skip off! Explain yourself! HEY ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?"

"Master?" Seras said as she walked up to him. "Are you alright?"

"Seras?" Alucard looked at her shock. "I umm….you never saw me!"

"Master?" she gaped as he faded into the wall. "What is going on here?"

"PULL!" a voice screamed. Then Seras was smacked in the head when a stuffed pig flew threw the window. "SORRY UP THERE!"

"Tonight keeps getting weirder," Seras sighed. She contuined her walk down the hall. Walter ran by her, and stopped to talk to her.

"MONKEY MAN!" he shouted to her.

"Hello Walter," she sighed.

"Monkey man?"

"Nothing is wrong," she replied.

"Monkey mon man monkey man man mon monkey man," Walter said.

"I know Alucard is a jerk," Seras said cheering up. "Thanks Walter."

"Monkey man."

"See ya later!" Seras waved as she headed towards the break room.

"MONKEY MAN!" Walter screamed as he jumped out the window.

"You understood what he said," Pip gaped at her, as he walked out the breakroom to check on the catapult outside.

"Uh huh," Seras replied. "I just read his thoughts instead of listen to what he said."

"But no one has thoughts anymore," Pip replied.

"And no one can explain why Walter is running around screaming Monkey Man," Seras smirked.

"I love your smartness," Pip said as he hugged her.

"Get off the father of my puppies!" Alucard said as he fazed through the wall.

"What?" Seras uttered confused as Alucard ripped her from Pip and smashed her against him.

"Was kidding bout the whole puppy thing," Christy said as she walked back down the hall way went into the break room and reemerged. "Left my celly in there."

"So no puppies?" Alucard uttered hurt.

"Dude you're a male," Christy stated. "No puppies, unless Seras carries em for ya."

"Good idea!" Alucard replied.

"Wait a minuet? When did I agree to this?" Seras gasped. Then there was a knock at the window. They where on the third story so it was a bit odd for someone to knock on the window. They turned to see Katlyn sitting atop of a navy blue stegosaurus.

"Look! Pigs are flying!" Katlyn chirped happily. They looked out the window to see pink pigs flying around with white feathery wings in the night sky.

"NO FUCKING FAIR!" Christy roared. "THAT IS SUCH AN INTERNET ORDERED SPELL!"

"Hey the only rule you set down was not catapulting pigs!" Pip said happily, as he threw Christy over his shoulder and ran towards Integra's office. "Let's get Integra to marry us since she is like the captain of this ship!"

"I was joking I swear!" Christy cried as she pounded his back. Pip opened the door and dropped Christy. There was Integra still in the monkey suit.

"Why?" they uttered to her at the same time.

"Because I am MONKEY WOMAN!" she shouted then jumped out the window.

"Mind if we postponed this? My brain hurts after that one," Pip gaped as he stared at the broken window Integra just jumped out of.

"Only if you do the chicken dance," Christy sighed as she rubbed her butt. Out of no where the chicken dance song came on. Pip started dancing and singing.

"I DON'T WANNA BE A CHICKEN! I DON'T WANNA BE A DUCK SO KISS MY BUTT! clap clap clap clap clap. Join me!" Pip screamed at Christy. she shruged and decided why the hell not!

"WHY AM I DOING THIS? I MUST BE DRUNK! SO KISS MY ASS!" Christy sang as she danced. While they danced Alucard was making little to no progress down in the dungeon.

"Why won't you have my puppies!" he whined.

"Cause it's weird!" Seras replied as she went to leave. "Plus aren't we dead, how could we create another living thing."

"BESIDES THE POINT!"

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**Ideas so far for next chapter. Trip to the mall to buy a new pimp hat, Alucard presues the puppy issue, more Pip flirtyness, monkey man and woman, and whatever else you guys want to see. So review with the insainty this fic is bringing forth in your mind. do it! Fall into the peer pressure that is insainity! Till next time!**


	12. To drink

**Sorry I didn't put up a new chapter last night, but I was busy making my Halloween costume. Alright let's get this party started. First off thank you to my reviewers MaryAuksi, J.M.G, ThatOneChickWhoWritesAlot, Scifigi626, ShinobiKid12, Susume, Agent HUNK, Onyx Wolf, chris, and Dalia N'Shard. Also my lawerys have asked me to put a disclaimer in the chap. So boring mono toned fast talking anouncer guy go!**

**Boring Mono-tonedFast talking Anouncer guy: ****Warning this fanfic may cause unstopable bouts of laughter, peeing of pants, liquid substances flying out of your noise, and fetal postions. Also if you submit an idea the Witch of Erie Knoll has the right to use or not to use the idea. She also has the right to wear clean under pants. If you have made it this far in this fanfic you may want to question your sanity and seek the help of trained Psycitrists. TheWitchofErieKnollclaimsnoownershiptoHellsing,Kool-AID,MonsterMash,CaptianMorgan,oranyothercopyrightedimages.Thereisamonkeyinmypants,anditwantstotakeovertheworld. Please enjoy reponsably, and have a nice day.**

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Christy was sitting Indian style on the counter eating a bowl of Cheerios. The sun was setting, and the house activity was getting insane again. Katlyn walked into the kitchen and went to open the fridge.

"DON'T OPEN THE FRIDGE!" Christy screamed.

"Why?" Katlyn asked very suspiciously.

"Singing banana in there," she replied calmly. Then a random guy with a piano in the kitchen started play suspense music.

"Whoa," Katlyn gasped. "Piano in the kitchen. Also who the hell are you?"

The guy at the piano shrugged his shoulders.

"Play the freaking monster mash!" Christy yelled. The guy at the piano did as requested, as Pip walked in. He stopped dead in his tracks, blinked, then shrugged his shoulders. Going for the fridge, Christy tried to stop him. "PIP! NOOOOOOOO…Oh well."

Pip opened the fridge and a banana jumped out of the fridge and started singing the monster mash.

"I was working in the lab late one night, when my eyes beheld an eerie sight," sang the banana. "For my monster from his slab began to rise and suddenly to my surprise."

"He did the Mash," Katlyn and Christy began back up singing, and dancing.

"He did the monster mash," the banana continued.

"The monster mash."

"It was a graveyard smash," sand the banana as he began to dance. Then Pip stepped on him.

"There is your graveyard smash!" Pip screamed as he jumped up and down on the banana. Then he slipped and fell on his butt.

"Oh the comic value in that," Christy said as she sat back on the counter and continued to eat. Seras ran into the kitchen and tripped over Pip. "That was funny too, but funny haha not milk squirting out of the nose funny."

"You bother me," Katlyn told her as she help Seras up.

"Save me!" Seras gasped.

"That is the first time a vampire has ever asked me to save them," Katlyn laughed. "Normally they are begging me to spear their lives."

"Oh like you ever killed one," Christy said as she rolled her eyes. "You faint at the sight of blood."

"Shut it!" Katlyn growled, then turned sweetly to Seras. "Now what's wrong?"

"Alucard is trying to get me to bear his puppies!" Seras squeaked, and Christy started gagging and chocking on her spoon. She spat the spoon on the floor, and started laughing and snorting. "It's not funny! He's totally…"

"Seras!" Alucard said as he ran into the room, and grabbed her away from Katlyn. "I thought I lost you."

"Excuse me while I puke," Pip muttered as he got off the floor.

"Good idea Pip!" Christy said getting off the counter and opening the fridge. She pulled all sort of liquor bottles from the fridge and placed them on the table. "Drinking contest! Everyone sit and lets go!"

They all sat down, and Pip poured everyone a shot of Tequila. After that they all quickly chugged five beers each. Then they where all drinking rum and cokes, except Christy. She had taken the Captain Morgan bottle, and was drinking it straight out of the bottle. Seven empty bottles later Katlyn had passed out, Pip had lost his pants, and Integra and Walter had joined in, still in their monkey costumes.

"You know if you want Seras to bear your puppies you should mar her," Pip hiccupped.

"Marry her you imbecile," Christy muttered as she finished her third bottle of rum and opened a new one.

"You're a mean drunk," Walter laughed.

"You're point?" Christy spat, then fell off her chair and started laughing.

"Seras marry me!" Alucard ordered.

"Ever heard of asking," Seras giggled "But sure why the hell not!"

"Then will you bear my puppies?" Alucard said as he gave her puppy dog eyes.

"WAIT!" Christy slurred as she tried to stand up. "You have to get married before you go into talks of puppies and shit like that! Pip go out into the rose bush and grab that priest guy hiding in their."

"Wait Father Alexander is in our rose bush?" Integra laughed as Pip went to the rose bush, still pantless.

"No," Christy laughed. "I just wanted to see his black silk boxers with the rainbow hearts on it again. Nah I put the priest in the pantry."

Opening the pantry, Father Alexander fell out. He was mumbling and cursing at Christy through his gag.

"Fuck up!" Christy laughed as she hauled the priest over to the table. "Now marry the vampies and I'll let you go."

"NEVER!" he screamed as Christy lowered his gag. She then proceeded to hit him over the head with a rum bottle. The night went quickly by. The day was spent in passed out bliss. The next night was when all the shit came crashing down.

"Ow my head," Katlyn muttered as she peeled herself off the kitchen floor. Christy passed her a cup of coffee. Integra had lost the monkey suit, and had an ice pack on her head.

"Why did I drink again," Integra muttered. "My head."

"Trust me," Christy laughed. "The hangovers are the least of your problems. Mostly because I know all of what happened last night."

"OW!" Pip screamed as he ran into the house. He was covered in thorns and had no pants on still. "Where are my pants? Why was I in a rose bush? Oh look coffee."

"You took them off," Christy said as she passed a cup to Pip. "And you where there looking for Father Alexander when you passed out."

"What did happen to Father Alexander," Integra asked. They all heard a loud shriek and then Seras ran into the kitchen, with a silk sheet wrapped around her.

"Why did I just wake up in master's bed?" cried the hysterical Seras.

"Because you married him last night," Christy replied as she handed Seras the marriage certificate signed by Father Alexander. "Congrats."

"SERAS!" Alucard screamed as he fazed through the walls into the kitchen, wearing only Pip's pants.

"MY PANTS" Pip cried.

"We aren't done making puppies!" Alucard whined.

"WAIT!" Integra shrieked. "Seras is going to have Alucard's puppies?"

"Of course!" Alucard replied.

"Oh no," Seras whined.

"Oh my," Katlyn gasped.

"Oh no," Pip and Christy said at the same time. "Jinx!"

"Oh yeah!" the Kool-Aid guy said as he busted through the wall.

"KOOL-AID!" Christy shrieked.

"Oh no!" Kool-Aid man screamed as he ran out of the hole, chased by Christy.

"I JUST WANT TO DRINK YOU!" Christy screamed as she ran. Alucard picked up Seras and fazed out of the room. Ninjas the slipped into the hole and through a bag over Katlyn. Then they slipped out again.

"Looks like it's going to another one of those nights," Pip sighed, as he stood up. "I'm going to go put pants on. Then burn the ones Alucard is wearing."

"I can't deal with this crap right now," Integra groaned, as Pip left. "That's it I saw nothing. I'll deal with this shit tomorrow."

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**Next time on the insainity that is this fic their will be pie fights, monkey man cult, blue puppies, random Pimping out of items and people, Stars War rapping, anything else? Review and you could see your idea here within the insainity that I call writting. Till next time, oh and yes MaryAuksi since it was your idea you get a puppy! **


	13. Star Wars, Pie, and a Cult

**It's time for the long awaited 13 chapter of the insainity that is this fan fic! Thank you to the readers who either submited an idea, or laughed their pants off, or both! Thank you to those who posted a review, namely capt. n, DaysOfTheNight, ThatOneChickWhoWritesAlot, Dragoness Triplets, Susume, J.M.G, Agent HUNK, Dalia N'Shard, ShinobiKid12, chris, Rimalunatic, and midnight killer02.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing from Hellsing, Twinkies, Kool-Aid, the Gangsta Star wars rap, anything from Star Wars, and All My Children.**

* * *

Christy nailed another board over the Kool-Aid man shaped hole in the kitchen. Placing the final nail in place she stepped back to admire her work. Then Pip came in and slammed the door shut. The force knocked all the boards down, leaving the hole open again. 

"Dammit Pip!" she screamed as she turned to face him. She then took noticed her was in a Darth Vader costume. "Why?"

"Luke," he breathed heavily. "I am your father."

"Dude," she replied. "I'm not Luke."

"Yoda?"

"No duh," she laughed. "Hey that rhymed!"

"I am the Dark Lord!" Alucard said as he busted in. Music started from somewhere. "It's not the east or the west side."

"No it's not," Pip rapped back.

"It's not the north or the south side," Alucard continued.

"This isn't happing," Christy sighed, as Integra walked in as Pip continued.

"No it's not."

"It's the Dark side," Alucard sang as he jumped on the table.

"You are correct."

"Keep frontin' the Empire," Alucard pulled a microphone from somewhere. "To all you Vader-haters out there, we'll blow your planet up!"

"What is thy bidding my master?"

"It's a disaster, Skywalker we're after."

"What if he could be turned to the Dark side?"

"Yes, he would be a powerful ally," Alucard started to dance on the table. "Another Dark Jedi."

"He will join us or die!" Pip sang as he danced around the table.

"WANGSTER!" Christy screamed as she ran from the room.

"We got death star!"

"Death star!" Alucard sang back.

"We got death star!"

"Death Star!"

"We got death star!"

"Death Star!"

"We go…"

"ENOUGH!" Integra shrieked. "You two are giving me a headache!"

"Fun killer," Pip whined as he lifted his Vader mask.

"WANGSTER!" Christy shrieked as she ran into the room and hit Pip in the face with a blueberry pie. Wiping the goo from his eyes he began to laugh. Then he pulled a cherry pie from no where and hit Christy in the face.

"PIE FIGHT!" Alucard screamed as he hit Integra with a coconut cream pie. Five minuets later they had run out of the pies. The kitchen was covered in pie crust and pie filling. Walter, who was still in his monkey man suit, chose this moment to walk into the kitchen, his jaw dropped at the sight.

"Oh my," he gasped. "What happened in here?"

"Pie fight," Christy replied as she shrugged her shoulders and sat on a pie covered chair. "It happens."

"Where did those pies come from?" Integra asked, as she cleaned her glasses.

"Who the hell knows," Christy yawned. "It was fun."

"My Vader costume is ruined!" Pip whined.

"I'll get you a new one," Alucard told him.

"Really?"

"No," Alucard laughed.

"What happened to Katie?" Christy asked.

"Oh no!" Walter screamed as he ran from the room. "The cult!"

"Walter!" Integra called after him as she followed.

"Wait for me Gents!" Pip said as he ran after them.

"Tally HO!" Christy scream and ran out of the room blowing a horn. They left Alucard in the trashed kitchen.

"If you think I am cleaning this up you are all mad!" he roared. "Now where is that police girl of mine?"

"NO!" a voice scream and Alucard was pegged with a Twinkie. "Call her your No-Life Queen! Or else!"

"Or Else what?" Alucard roared.

"THIS!" Alucard was pelted by millions of Twinkies.

"Okay okay! I will!" he cried as he dove under the table. "Just make it stop."

"Thank you," the voice said, as the Twinkies stopped raining down on Alucard. Getting up her went to the pantry and grabbed the still tied up priest.

"Want to watch All My Children with me?" Alucard asked him as he lowered the gag.

"Sure why not," Alexander replied, and Alucard carried him over his shoulder into the TV room.

* * *

Katlyn struggled against the ropes that bind her to a pole. She was in a dark cave surrounded by men dressed in monkey suits. They were all just staring at her, and not making a sound. Giving up on screaming, she leaned against the pole and prayed someone would rescue her soon. 

"I told you guys no sacrifices!" Walter screamed as he walked in. they all dropped to their knees and bowed to him.

"Monkey Man," they all said.

"Wow this is creepy," Christy said as she walked in followed by Integra and Pip. "This is so dull, and no color either. Let's pimp the cult!"

"What?" everyone gasped at the same time. Christy went to work, as Pip untied Katlyn.

"Please tell me she isn't doing this!" Katlyn said as she watched huge colorful pimp hats appear, matching pimp coats, colorful suits, shinny shoes, colorful tinted sunglasses, and walking sticks encrusted with diamonds.

"Best part," Christy said as she walked over to the group, Walter now in his butler suit, courteous of Christy's pimping out. His monocle was now encrusted with diamonds. "They all have grillz."

"WHAT?" Katlyn gasped. The whole group smiled revealing gold grillz encrusted with diamonds.

"They all have gold with diamonds, while Walter's is platinum with diamonds," Christy replied. They all shook their heads and started to walk out.

"You are unbelievable!" Katlyn hissed as she left.

"Your welcome!" Christy huffed. The walk back to the mansion was in silence. When they got their they found Alucard and Father Alexander watching the soap opera.

"I can't believe she did that," Alexander cried. Then him and Alucard went into hysterics.

"We saw nothing," Integra said as she closed the door to the TV room. Seras fazed into the room, and stood in front of the TV.

"Hey you ain't made of glass so move your ass," Father Alexander hissed.

"Master," Seras said as she pulled two Labrador puppies from her back. "Here is your damn puppies! The yellow one is your daughter, and the black one is your son. Have fun!"

"WAIT!" Alucard called after her as she tried to leave. She turned around to face him. "I wanted panda bears, not puppies. I'm allergic."

"WHAT!" Seras screamed as she fell down in shock. Taking the puppies back she left the room.

"POLICE GIRL!" Alucard called after her, then was hit in the head with a Twinkie. "Right, SERAS! My No-life QUEEN!"

"What is going on?" Alexander sighed as he shook his head. Christy appeared on the couch next to him.

"Insanity," she replied shrugging her shoulders. "It happens."

"Shouldn't you be out destroying the demon causing the insanity?" he asked her.

"What is it with you people trying to make me work," she huffed, sounding offended. "You think it was my job or something!"

"It is," he replied.

"Right," Christy sighed. "Well damn. I'll do it tomorrow I swear."

"Sure you will," Father Alexander laughed. "Now hush the commercials are over."

"Yes sir."

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**More insainity to come, and who knows maybe we will slay the demon, eventually. Now I know you have an insane idea, so submit it! Reviews are welcomed too! Till next time, which should be soon!**


	14. A Demon? WTH?

**I gave up on finding a plot for this story, it just gave me a headache.** **So on with the insanity. Also thank you J.M.G, Agent HUNK, KonohaShinobi, MaryAuksi, Dalia N'Shard, Unknown Marauder, and SacredYoukai.**

* * *

"Narquay sevanaye purapuw belachka seranana few quay quay ricknah lashka repmouira freeapora," Christy said as she sat on the couch upside down, feet dangling over the back. Katlyn walked in the room and gaped at the sight. 

"What are you doing now?" she sighed at Christy.

"Practicing Blue Ribbon Fay Horny Toad language," she replied.

"Why?"

"Cause I'm bored, and Alucard stole priestman and ran away, and Walter is out being a pimp with his cult, and Integra ran screaming from the room bout ten minuets ago, and Seras is out looking for purple pandas with six toes for Alucard, and I'm hiding from Pip," she said in one breath.

"Why does none of this surprise me," Katlyn laughed. "Well if you are so bored how bout we get to work on catching that demon."

"NO!" Christy screamed as she tossed back and forth on the couch. "Not work! Anything but THAT!!"

"Look witch, you are going to stop playing around and get this job fucking done!" Katlyn ordered. "I am through playing around. Get the fuck up and get the fuck to WORK!"

"ALRIGHT YOU DUMBASS BOSSY BITCH! SHEESH," Christy huffed as she stormed from the room. Katlyn blinked then looked again.

"Stop walking on the fucking ceiling too!" she screamed after her, after she realized Christy stormed away on the ceiling. "This is getting ridicules."

"It was ridicules to begin with," said Seras from behind her. Katlyn yelped then jumped up the ceiling and hung on a lamp. Glaring down at Seras, Katlyn screamed at her.

"Bloody vampire! Stop sneaking up on people like that! Ya wanna give me a heart attack! Shit!" Katlyn cursed from the ceiling. "You think this was a freaking house of horror!!!"

"You are living with vampires," Pip said as he came into the room, and plopped on the couch. "Have you seen Christy?"

"She's demon hunting," Katlyn said as she walked around on the ceiling. "Well this puts a new perspective on things. But how do I get down?"

"Jump?" Pip suggested. Katlyn tried jumped, then fell onto the floor head first.

"I need to find the Pandas," Seras muttered as she avoided getting hit by Katlyn's falling body and left.

"Ow," Katlyn cried as she stood up and held her head. "That kinda hurt."

"Well you did just fall on your head," Pip said, as he leaned back on the sofa. "Where is everybody?"

"Avoiding you," Alucard laughed as he phazed into the room. "Anyone seen my priest or wife?"

"Apparently Seras is looking for pandas," Katlyn sighed. "As for Alexander last I heard he was with you."

"I was until he pushed me into a strip club," Alexander shrieked as he busted out of the closet.

"Why where you in the…wait I don't even want to KNOW!" Katlyn said, as she looked into the closet. "Sir Integra! Holy shit! Now I really don't want to KNOW!"

"Wow," Alucard snickered. "Master getting lucky in the closet with a priest no less! Who would have guessed? You little vixen!"

"Nothing happened!" Integra shouted as she ran from the closet, and slapped Alucard.

"What was that for!" Alucard screeched as he rubbed his red cheek.

"For all your comments!" Integra roared. "Don't make me start rubbing silver objects into you skin!"

"Here is your goddamn demon and that sounded sexual sir," Christy said as she came into the room and dumped a dark green duffle bag the size of Walter on Pip.

"Is Walter in there?" Pip asked as he poked the bag, making what was ever in the bag atart to toss and screech.

"Walter is not a demon," Katlyn sighed as the bag ripped open and a man with black hair and black eyes popped out. "That isn't Walter."

"You dare to capture me!" he laughed darkly. "I'm the bloody demon of New York!"

"New York?" Katlyn questioned, as she gave the death glare at Christy.

"Hey you said go and capture demon, you didn't say from where!" Christy said in defense.

"We are in England," Katlyn started. "A demon is robbing England of inner speech. Hence why I sent you out to capture demon in England and you go to New York! What the fuck is wrong with you!!!!"

"Nothing," Christy huffed. "Except a stupid bitch telling me what to do!"

"Ooo, I like her," the demon laughed.

"Shut up!" Katlyn scream. "No one asked you."

"Well then I'll be on my way," he cooed, as he jumped off the couch. Grabbing Christy he gave her a bone crushing kiss.

"Whoa!" Pip cried. "Let her go!"

"Okay," the demon laughed. "If you're ever in New York look me up sometime, Witchy Bitch."

"Someone explain to me what just happened," Christy said in a half daze as the demon walked out.

"This happened," Pip replied as he grabbed her and repeated the demon's actions. Letting her go, he ran after the demon. "Now I'm going to kill that sneaky demon bastard!"

"What," Christy gaped. "Why me?"

"Why not!" Alexander laughed as he grabbed her and repeated Pip's actions then ran after Pip. "I wanna help kill the devil's scum!"

"I'm not going to say it!" Christy screamed, as Alucard walked up to her and licked her cheek. "Why?"

"I felt left out," he said as he shrugged his shoulders and ran after the other two,

"I'm going to bed or shooting myself," Christy said, very confused at what had just happened. "Whatever comes first."

"Someone hand her a gun," Katlyn blurted out. "Oh shit. Um never mind that."

"Hey you ready," Rip Van Winkle said walking in dressed as Jack Skeleton. "You aren't even dressed!"

"Sorry I have to cancel," Christy said as she walked out of the room. "I'm taking a mental illness day!"

"You're mental everyday," Katlyn snorted.

"Then who is going with me to see Nightmare in 3D!" Rip whined.

"Oh I'll go I am a huge Tim Burton fan!" Integra offered.

"I'm outta here," Katlyn murmured as she slowly backed out of the room.

"Oh you are not," Rip huffed. "Stop trying to act cool."

"Am so! I saw all his movies!" Integra sneered.

"Name all the movies he has directed in order of their debut and you can come," Rip laughed. "Because I know you can't."

"Vincent in 1982 then Frankenweenie in 1984 followed by Pee-Wee's big adventure in 1985, Beetlejuice in 1988, Batman 1989, Edward Scissorhands 1990, Batman returns 1992, Nightmare in 1993, Ed Wood 1994, Vincent and Me 1995, Conversations With Vincent 1995, Mars Attacks! 1996, Sleepy Hollow 1999, Planet of the Apes 2001, Big Fish 2003, Corpse Bride 2005, and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory 2005. Ha!" Integra laughed as she danced for joy.

"Actually," Rip smirked, as Integra stopped dancing and looked at her. "He actually didn't direct Nightmare. Henry Selick directed Nightmare, but I guess you can come. Go shove yourself into Christy's Sally costume."

"YES!" Integra squealed as she ran from the room.

"What a freak," Rip muttered.

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**Need ideas, mind empty, well empty of good ones at least. Someone help! Review before the bad ideas are released! Till next time!**


	15. A very Hellsing Christmas Pt 1

**Hello all! The witch has broken her almost 2 months silence by posting this. Sorry guys but I've been working with a few people to get one of my books publish, plus the holidays and what not. Expect more updates from me come spring and summer! Always thank you my wounderful reviewers and readers! Now I give you part 1 of a Hellsing Christmas! Enjoy!

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**

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the Hellsing mansion, not a creature was stirring not even a mouse. Then a loud crash was hear. Christy slipping from her bed crept into the hallway. Thinking it was a vampire attacking, she slowly crept down the stairs to find Seras buried under brightly wrapped packages.

"Aren't you a little old to be playing Santa Claus? Not to mention the wrong gender," Christy snorted as she walked down the stair, pulling closed her purple robe. Pulling Seras from under the presents she let out a yawn. "Now I'm going back to sleep."

"Sorry," Seras sigh, as she started to pile the packages up again. "But this is my first Christmas here, and I want it to be special."

"Christmas is overrated," Christy huffed, and turned to go back upstairs.

"You don't celebrate Christmas?" Seras replied shock.

"Nope," Christy sighed, she knew someone was going to ask about this eventually. "If you haven't realized by now I'm a witch. I celebrate Yule, which is commonly celebrated December 20 thru the 22."

"What's Yule?" Seras asked stopping Christy once more. Letting out a small sigh, Christy sat on the stairs and began to explain Yule.

"Yule signals the return of the light of the Sun. Yule traditions include a lighted evergreen tree and the Yule long, which the Holy Roman Empire incorporated into Christmas to help spread Christianity like wild fire. Hanging mistletoe and decorating your home with pine and fir boughs, pinecones, and holly branches reaffirm the theme of rebirth of the sun. gifts are often exchanged as symbols of love and rebirth."

"Not much different then Christmas," Sears replied.

"Not much… not much different then Christmas!" Christy roared. "Your religion basically stole my traditions, turned it to celebrate your savior's birth, and then the worst thing possible. You commercialized it! You people ruined the holidays!"

"Uh what?" Seras gaped as Christy stormed from the room. "All I was trying to do was spread some Christmas cheer!"

"Ignore her," Katlyn said as she walk into the room. Picking up a small package covered with snowman and placing it on Seras pile, she let out a small sigh. "This season always turns her into a grinch."

"But why?" Seras asked as they headed into the main hall where a huge Christmas tree was set up. Katlyn remained silent until all the packages where placed neatly under the tree. Staring at the lights she felt like she was lost in time. "Are you going to tell me?"

"It's not my place," she said and quickly and quietly exited the room. Seras stared after them lost in thought.

"Police girl," Alucard said as he fazed in through the floor, leaving Seras to jump up and scream. "What our you doing, and quit screaming."

"Sorry master," she huffed, as she tried to catch her breath. "But you startled me."

"Indeed," Alucard said, unamused. "Now what our you doing?"

"Spreading Christmas cheer!" Seras replied.

"A vampire spreading Christmas cheer, how stupid," he chuckled. "We are monsters Seras not Elves."

"Well what would Santa say if he heard you," Seras replied smartly.

"That I look better in red," he laughed insanely as he faded from the room, his laughter slowly faded out.

"Oh master that was so funny I forgot to laugh!" she huffed as she exited the room. Determined not to let the two scrooges of the house get her holiday spirits down she went upstairs to get the rest of the presents. Integra had given her a Christmas bonus, but with one stipulation, Seras would have to do all of Integra's Christmas shopping. That was easy for Seras, she loved shopping for people.

Once Seras work was done, she stopped and smiled examining her work. The empty space under the tree was filled with all kinds of wrapped packages. Her work was done, and just in time to the sun was rising. Memories flooded her mind of past Christmases when she was a little blue eyed girl with bouncy blond curls, bounding her way down the stairs to see what Santa had left her. Knowing what she would do it once she awoke from her coffin tomorrow she quickly went to sleep to dream of sugar plums and her merry little Christmas.

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**So what is eating Christy? What will happen when Santa arrives? and will Seras have her merry Christmas? Till next time!**


	16. A very Hellsing Christmas pt2

**And welcome to Part 2 of my holiday special. I took the song idea! LOL! Love ya guys just a little busy. Merry Christmas, Happy Yule, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, and any other holidays! Also thank you for the reviews too!

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**

"Mistletoe!" Pip screamed as he chased Christy down the hall holding mistletoe above his head.

"I swear if you don't leave me alone Pip I'll turn you into a goat!" Christy hissed as she ran down the stairs pasted Walter.

"A goat?" Walter gaped. "He might like it, try a toad."

"How bout a worm," Christy laughed as she turned a sharp corner and stopped quickly making Pip slam into her. "Oh great purple moons above I must be high."

"Why?…um…erm….Sir?" Pip babbled as he stared down the hall.

"Not a word! Got me?" Integra fumed as she stormed pasted them dressed in a hot pink smutty Santa outfit showing off her legs. The outfit was complete with pink Santa hat and pink strappy high heels. Pip let out a slow whistle, only to get slapped by Alucard.

"Hey? Why did you slap me?" Pip asked confused as Christy snuck away.

"Because I did," Alucard laughed as he disappeared.

"Seems like nothing changes around here," Walter sighed. "And I thought we were going to have a nice normal holiday."

"This is Hellsing," Pip snorted. "The only thing that has yet to happen is a singing montage to the 12 days of Christmas."

"That is a good idea," smirked the New York Demon. Both Pip and Walter stared at him.

"Shouldn't you be in New York?" they both gasped.

"Yes, but it's too full of good cheer," he laughed, and he cracked his knuckles. Waving his hands in front of him a smirk appeared on his face as he began to sing. "On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me A partridge in a pear tree. On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me:"

"Two turtle doves," sang Katlyn as she walked into the room with two turtle doves on each shoulder.

"And a partridge in a pear tree," the demon continued as music seemed to fill the room. "On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me!"

"Three French hens," Christy sang as she walked in wearing a French maids outfits with two hens following her.

"Two turtle doves," Katlyn sang as she pulled her earring from the left side dove's mouth.

"And a partridge in a pear tree," the demon sang as his smirk grew wider. "On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me!"

"Four calling birds," Pip sang as he looked around waiting for something to happen, which nothing did.

"Three French hens," Christy sang a she put three fingers up on one hand and her other hand on her hip posing.

"Two damnable turtle doves," Katlyn hissed as she fought the right turtle dove for her other earring.

"And a partridge in a pear tree," the demon sung, clearly amused now. "On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me!"

"FIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEE GOLD RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGS!" Alucard's voice rang from the ceiling.

"Four calling birds," Pip quickly said, still waiting for something to happen.

"Three French hens."

"Two ooowie!" Katlyn continued.

"And a partridge in a pear tree," the demon continued trying not to laugh. "On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me!"

"I'm not singing," Walter replied crossing his arms as the demon glared at him.

"FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVEEE GOLD RRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGSSSSSSSSSSSSSS" Alucard sang, still unseen.

"Four calling birds," Pip sang as he realized no birds where going to come after him.

"Three French hens," sang a still posing Christy.

"I'm gonna kill these birds!" Katlyn sang as she chased the turtle doves who flew with her gold earrings in their beaks.

"And a partridge in a pear tree," the demon smirked. "On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me!"

"Seven swans a swimming," Integra sang as she walked thru the room making swimming motions with her arms.

"Forget it Walter said, still refusing to join.

"FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVEEEEE BBBBBBBBAAAAAAGGGGGGSSSSSSS OF RIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGSSSSS"

"Four calling whoa," Pip started to sing as four girls walked by him.

"Three French hens," Christy giggled as she watched Pip.

"DIE!!!" Katlyn sang as she waved a broom at the airborne doves.

"And a partridge in a pear tree," the demon sang as he watched the chaos below him from the railing of the stairs. "On the eight day of Christmas my true love gave to me!"

"Eight maids a milking," Rip giggled as she came in wearing a smutty maids outfit carrying a pale of milk.

"Seven swans a swimming," Integra sang as she continued to swim thru the room.

"Six bored Walters," Walter sighed.

"FIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVEEEEE BAGGGGGS OF BLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOoooooooooOOOODDDDDDD!!!"

"Four hey bags of blood?" Pip sang as he looked up at the ceiling where Alucard's voice was coming from.

"This is so screwed up," Christy sang as she bobbed her head side to side.

"Give me a gun!" Katlyn sang as clutched a chair, breathing hard from her chase.

"And a partridge in a pear tree," the demon sang, thoroughly enjoying his work. "On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me!"

"Nine ladies dancing," Maxwell sang as he danced thru the room wearing a pink leotard and matching tutu.

"Eight sexy maids a milking," Rip sang as she winked at the demon.

"Seven swans a swimming," Integra sang as she grabbed her nose and shimmed down to the floor waving her hand above he head.

"There is crack in the water," Walter sang and laughed.

"FIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVEEEE DEEELLLLLLLLLIOUSSSSS BAGS OF BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOODDDDD!"

"Where did my calling birdies go?" Pip sang as he looked thru the room for the four women who where once there.

"Rip is a French hooker," Christy sang, and she glared at Rip.

"German!" Rip replied and stuck her tongue out at Christy.

"I fell down the stairs!" Katlyn sang from the basement.

"And a partridge in a pear tree," sang the demon gleefully. "On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me!"

"Ten lords a leaping!" Alexander sang as he leapt through the room.

"Nine ladies dancing," Maxwell sung as he danced.

"Eight German Maids a milking," Rip sang and huffed.

"Seven swans a drowning," Integra sang from where she lay on the floor.

"This is still stupid," Walter sang.

"FFFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVEEEEEEEE DEEEEELIOUS GLORIOUSSSSSSSS BBBBBBBBAAAAAAAGGGGSSSS OF BBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDD!"

"HEY LADIES!" Pip sang as he chased down the phantom women.

"Chicken anyone?" Christy sang.

"I think I broke my ankle," Katlyn sang.

"And a partridge in a pear tree," the demon sang. "On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me!"

"Eleven pipers piping," Seras sang as Jan and Luke followed playing pipes.

"Ten lords a leaping!" Alexander sand as he leapt in the air once more.

"Nine cross dressers dancing," Maxwell sang as he grabbed Alexander and began to dance with him.

"Eight Sexy German maids a milking," Rip rang as she walked up the stairs towards the demon.

"Seven swans still drowning." Integra sang still on the floor.

"Why are you all doing this?" Walter sang.

"FFFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVEEEEEEEE DEEEEELIOUS GLORIOUSSSSSSSS BLOODREEEEEEEDDDDDD BBBBBBBBAAAAAAAGGGGSSSS OF BBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDD!"

"You are just trying to make your part longer," Pip sang.

"You're just jealous," Christy sang.

"I could use some help," Katlyn sang, still in the basement.

"And a partridge in a pear tree," the demon sang as he couldn't wait to see how they would all end this. "On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me!"

"Twelve Germen Generals marching to war!" Schrodinger sang as he march in thru the front door and out the back.

"HEY aren't you guys dead?" Seras sang as she looked at Luke and Jan. the brothers looked at each other then ran screaming from the mansion.

"My door doesn't swing that way," Alexander sang as he pushed Maxwell off him and stormed out the front door.

"Dance with me!" Maxwell sang as he ran after Alexander.

"I'm a sexy German maid," Rip sang as she placed her hand on the demon's shoulder.

"The swans are all dead along with my sanity," Integra sang as she sat up.

"Six geese a laying!" Walter sang, figuring he would be the only one not to improvise this time.

"BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!"

"Hens are birds," Pip sang as he walked over towards Christy.

"Not in this century pal," Christy sang as she ran from the room, Pip hot on her heels.

"Way to leave me in the basement injured," Katlyn sang.

"My place," the demon said as he grabbed Rip and they both vanished. Leaving Walter, Seras, and Integra staring at each other.

"Well that was normal," Walter sighed as he left the room.

"I blame you," Integra told Seras.

"ME?" Seras squealed. "Why?"

"Because you are the one parading around as a Christmas Elf!" Integra fumed as she marched out of the room.

"Told you mate," Alucard laughed as he materialized behind her. "We are monsters not Christmas Elves."

"Oh shut up!" Seras huffed as she stormed out of the room. "All I wanted was a nice Christmas."

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**What will happen next in this crazy holiday tale? Who knows! Its all up in the air! Till next update!**


	17. Some corny Love

**Another random update. Thank you all for reveiw, and please don't laugh so hard you pee your pants, it's only madness that you see, no need to ruin a good pair of pants over it!

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**

Christy awoke to the smell of roses. Bolting out of bed quickly she noticed her room full of vases of roses.

"What the bloody HELL!" she screamed.

"I figured if I got to you before you awoke I could be your valentine," the New York demon purred as he walked out of the shadows.

"Um…wasn't it just Christmas?" Christy asked scratching her head.

"That was a month ago," he huffed, as he played with the rose pinned to his suit. "Now about that kiss?"

"KISS? WHAT KISS?" Christy fumed, as she tossed back her sheets and stormed up to him. He smirked down at her black shirt with a coke bottle on it and purple boxers. Slapping him she stormed over to her drawers and threw on a pair of jeans. "Honestly I would never share a kiss with you. Besides didn't you leave with Rip after that drug induced Christmas Carol?"

"Indeed I did," he replied as he leaned against the wall crossing his arms.

"And??" Christy said in a strained voice as she brushed out her hair.

"She had fleas," he replied calmly as Christy fell over in shock. Pip decided at the moment to burst through the door.

"Christy be mine…what is HE doing here?" Pip asked as he came in.

"Beats the hell out of me," she replied heading out the door. "I'm still stuck on what happened to Christmas."

"Flying monkeys, shaving cream filled balloons, powdered donuts, ornament throwing trees, and let's not for get Alucard in a Santa suit trying to drink the real Santa's blood." Integra informed her as she was passing by. "It was a night we are all still trying to forget."

"Oh right," Christy said scratching the back of her neck. "Did Seras ever escape that flying monkey's trap?"

"NOOOoooo," Seras cried from the ceiling where she was suspended in what looked like pink silly string. "Is anybody going to get me down?"

"You just have to apologize," Alucard replied, as he fazed into the hallway, Integra leaving the lovers to quarrel.

"You were going to drain Santa dry!" she whined back.

"I hate all of you," Christy muttered as she walked away. Alucard stared back up at her, a grin twisted on his face.

"If I let you down you have to wear the outfit," he told her.

"I won't degrade myself!" she hissed. Shrugging his shoulder's he started to faze out. "WAIT!! Okay! Okay, I'll do it."

"I knew I would get something good out of this," he laughed as he cut through the string, and she fell gracefully onto her butt. "Go get the outfit on."

"For once I wish someone around her was sane," Seras muttered as she followed him to the basement. Walter was smirking as he walked over to where the string was and started to clean up the mess. Then Pip came crashing through Christy's bed room door, the New York demon flying after him.

"Boys!" Walter screamed, and they both paused from strangling each other to looked up at him.

"Call me N.Y.," the New York demon replied.

"Take it outside, I'm trying to clean in here!" Walter fumed.

"Fine," N.Y. laughed as he grabbed Pip and they both flew out the second story window, Walter shaking his head after them.

"She's mine!" Pip screamed as he bit N.Y.'s arm. Letting out a quick yelp, he slugged Pip in his good eye. "Asshole!"

"What are you two doing?" Integra asked as she crossed the lawn and stared down at them. "Get up Pip, and go do something."

"Yes Sir Integra," Pip said jumping to his feet and running off.

"As for you," Integra sneered as she turned to face N.Y., then jumped onto of him and started kissing him.

"What the hell!" N.Y. scream as he tried to escape Integra's embrace. "What has gotten into you?"

"Nothing yet," she breathed as she tossed her glasses aside. "But you will be shortly."

"Screw this!" N.Y. replied as he ran through the outer wall back into the manor. Leaning against the wall he tried to catch his breath.

"Can I help you, demon?" Katlyn growled at him from her seat at the table in the library..

"Yes you can tell me why that Hellsing bitch almost kissed off my face!" N.Y. hissed. Snapping her book shut and tossing it on the table she stared at him.

"So he has gotten to her to," she hummed.

"He?!" he replied, confused. "Who is he?"

"Why the son of cupid," she laughed.

"Excuse me," he gawked. "Do you dare to say that the son of cupid is running lose around Hellsing Manor?"

"What isn't running loose around Hellsing Manor," Katlyn challenged him. As if to prove her point Christy ran through the library at the moment.

"No more cooooooooooorrrrrrrnnnnn!" Christy screamed as she leapt through the window, thousands of ears of corn following after her.

"Dually noted," N.Y. replied as he walked out of the library, and bumped into Walter. "You aren't going to do anything strange, are you?"

"Would this constitute as strange?" he said ripping off his butler outfit. He was now in a giant banana costume, and pulled out maracas, and started to sing. "It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! peanut butter and a base ball bat!"

"Unfortunately in the place that isn't strange," he sighed walking away, and turning down the hall he was shocked to find Seras hopping down the hall in a pink bunny costume. "What is it with this place? It's more chaotic then the chaotic planes! And that's hard to beat in chaos too."

"Shut up," she grumbled as she hopped passed N.Y., and Alucard fazed partially through the wall.

"Stop staring at my wife's tail!" he whispered right next to N.Y.'s ear.

"You do realize your all completely insane," he whispered back, not bothering to turn and face Alucard.

"Madness," Alucard purred. "Is a wonderful thing."

"CCCCCCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNN!" Christy screamed as she ran down the hall, still being chased by corn.

"Where did all that corn come from?" they both gaped at the same time.

"Jinx," the screamed and faced each other at the same time. "No fair. Stop that. Queen! Stop it! Jelly donut! Come no this is getting annoying. Baby! Bastard! Asshole! Chopped lice feet! What in the hell!"

"Angora!" N.Y. screamed as Alucard shouted. "Alfalfa."

"Few glad that's over," they both replied at the same time. "Awww not again!!!"

"CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNN" Seras and Christy screamed as they ran through the hall being cased by corn.

"Should corn really be that demented?" they both said again at the same time. "I loath you."


	18. Who said being random isn't fun?

**This is the result of what happens after a crazy AIM conversatio about random things. Enjoy! Also Thank you DaysOfTheNight, KonohaShinobi, Tetrus, Jocyo, J.M.G, Agent HUNK, DragonLady626, kurai, Nightbourne, and BloodRose98!**

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N.Y. stalked the halls of the mansion, doing his best to avoid Pip. It was still day light out so Alucard would be somewhere dark. That was why he was strolling down a hallway with big windows and curtains open. Nope nothing insane was going to get to him today. 

"I hate corn!" Christy huffed, as she stormed down the hallway.

"Why?" he asked as she passed. "Is it because it is demented?"

"No," she snorted, and pointed down the hall where popcorn was hopping towards her at a slow pace. "It mutates when you take a blow torch to it. Now instead of thousands of ears of corn chasing me down trying to steal my soul. I have trillions of popped kernels chasing me down trying to gouge out my eyes."

"Why did we switch from soul stealing to eye gouging?" he asked, curiously.

"Easy," she replied, walking away from the popcorn that had caught up with her. "Who wants a tainted soul. Honestly, your soul have to be a little bit tainted to even think of to blow torch popcorn, let alone doing it."

"Why the hell am I still….gaaahh!!" he started his thought but was quickly taken down in a sea of popcorn. Christy bumped into Pip while making her escape from the popcorn.

"Hey Pip," Christy said, as she pointed towards the popcorn slowly following her. "What is the easiest way to get rid of popcorn. I know a blow torch isn't the answer."

"Movie night duh," Pip replied dragging her down towards the break room.

* * *

"Glorious night for some destruction, is it not love?" Alucard asked Seras as he strolled the dark hallways with her.

"Where is everyone?" she huffed, looking for any excuse to escape Alucard. They heard laughter coming from the break room. Heading down there, they found Pip and Christy watching old surveillance tapes, and eating popcorn.

"What are you two freaks doing?" Alucard asked as he leaned over the couch to find himself on TV singing in the shower. "Where did you get this!"

"Sir Integra had a stash of them in her office," Christy laughed, as the TV Alucard hit a sharp out of tone high note. "Never thought you where a _Sweet Transvestite!"_

"Alucard you should go parade around as Dr. Frank N Furter," Pip suggested.

"No way!" Christy argued, then she looked up at Alucard. "No offense, but Tim Curry is a fucking GOD in Rocky. You just couldn't compare."

"Oh yeah!" Alucard fumed. "Guess what we are going to do!"

* * *

"It's not that big of a problem," Walter told Integra as they entered the mansion.

"Walter," Integra groaned as he closed the door. "All my soldiers are running around having a battle of the bands, mariachi style! I don't have a fighting army! I have an army of mariachi bands!!"

"Well you still have the element of surprise!" Walter said cheery as they entered the dinning hall. "Oh good lord, what are you all wearing??"

"Don't even ask," growled Katlyn as she slouched underneath the dinning room table. Everyone was in a Rocky costume corsets, fishnets, boas, heels, garters, and all.

"Who started this?" Integra demanded to know.

"Alucard started it by singing Sweet transvestite!" Christy sang as she rounded the table, coming towards them wearing a bright red corset. "That is why we are all in the hot Tim Curry attire, including NY who's hiding in a dark corner right now."

"Enough!" Integra huffed as she left the room. "All of you will be normal when I come back, smoking heavily mind you!!!"

* * *

NY and Christy sat in the lounge. NY back in his suit, and Christy wearing a black poofie prom dress. She was sitting upside down on the couch, feet on the wall.

"I'm bored," Christy complained.

"Well I was told to make sure you didn't make anyone else look like they were from the cast of rocky horror, so shut it," NY told her.

"Still bored," she sighed as Katlyn entered the room, hair down, and wearing pink pjs with turtles on them. "Katie! Entertain me!"

"Pfft, no," Katlyn laughed as she walked by the couch. "The blood is going to rush to your head you know."

"Someone say blood?" Alucard asked as he entered the room via the floor.

"Katie is confusing me," Christy whined.

"Eh she is in one of her moods," NY replied.

"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Katlyn huffed.

"Make an investment in honey," Pip said as he walked into the room.

"Here comes the migraine!" Katlyn cried.

"Do it!" Christy replied. "The bears shall pay you!"

"I am broke I don't even have a penny in my name," Alucard replied.

"Then get a loan for it," NY suggested.

"Do it," Christy cried and she tumbled off the couch. "The bears shall pay you!"

"The bears will pay me?" Alucard questioned.

"You are all insane!" Katlyn screamed.

"Do it," Christy started.

"We know!" Pip interrupted. "The bears shall pay you!"

"With peanuts no less," Christy squealed as she ran around the room.

"Wow," NY gasped. "How did this happen again???"

"Am I going nuts?" Katlyn questioned out loud.

"Yes," they all told her at once.

"And the monkeys are coming with you," Christy added.

"Yea I love monkeys," Walter screamed as he ran in and out of the room.

"Look bananas," Katlyn replied, picking up random bananas.

"Sweet," Pip said as he stole a banana.

"Sweet as cherry cheese pickle pie," Christy said as she took a banana.

"I think I am high," Katlyn sighed.

"As a kite," NY added as he took a banana.

"Flying with the pigs!" Pip added.

"I'm going to find some blood! Screw bananas!!!" Alucard roared as he faded from the room.

"High as on drugs!" Katlyn fumed.

"As in catnip?" NY asked.

"I like cat nip," Christy replied as she continued to run around the room.

"You would," Pip snorted, as he sat next to NY.

"That's it!" Katlyn screamed at the top of her lungs. "I am done! I calling the doctor! I need meds now!!!"

"Of course I like Catnip," Christy said, still running around the room, ignoring Katlyn. "It makes steaks make out with random fruit on TV!"

"God so this is what nuts is like," Katlyn cried as she plopped down onto the floor in defeat.

"No," Christy laughed, as she started circling Katlyn. "This is what peanut butter is like!"

"Interesting," Katlyn sighed, as the two males watched in silence at the scene playing out before them. "Will you hit me over the head with a brick,"

"No," Christy sang. "But I will hit you with a poodle!"

"What ever floats your boat," she muttered.

"You sank my battle ship!" Christy cried, as she came to a dead stop. "The seven was found!"

"What does the seven was found mean?" Pip asked.

"No! Seven scary!" Christy screamed as she started running around again flaying her arms around. "Seven eight nine!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

"I am done if you can't talk to me normal I wont' talk," Katlyn huffed as she stood up, glaring at Christy, hands on her hips.

"But what is normal?" NY asked.

"That's it! I am checking my self in a psycho ward!!' Katlyn growled.

"Want my straight jacket?" Christy asked, as she made a dead stop again and stood still. "You can rent my padded cell too! I had it extra padded this weekend!"

"Oh Goddess how can I deal with you!" Katlyn cried out.

"Deal with it," Pip replied.

"I did," Christy answered. "I dealt with it like you told me to. With the wrench, monkey, and honey like you told me too."

"We never talked about a wrench," Pip interjected.

"The madness is spreading!" Katlyn screamed.

"Was it wrench or wench?" Christ asked herself. "I always get it confused."

"Do you have any sanity?" Kalyn cried. "Any of you?!?"

"Let's pretend we do!" Christy replied

"Bone!" NY randomly yelled out.

"Bone!" both Pip and Christy yelled back.

"What's next!" Katlyn sighed.

"Poodle attack!!" Christy screamed as she dived behind the table.

"Know I am going to have nightmare about a poodle attacking me," Katlyn huffed. "Anything else?"

"With a tutu," Christy replied from underneath the table.

"Fine! With a tutu!" Katlyn screamed. "What you going to say next with human feet!"

"No," Christy laughed. "Lizard tongue."

"Fuck it!" Katlyn huffed as she left the room. "I'm going to bed!"

"Do you enjoy making her go crazy like that?" NY asked as Christy got up from underneath the table.

"Indeed I do," she replied. "She makes it too easy."

"Or you make it easy because you are always crazy," Pip snorted.

"If I was always crazy," Christy replied as she came over to Pip and whispered in his ear. "Then I would proceed with the craziness that sleeping with you would provide."

"Will you two get a room," NY huffed as he left the room.

"Nah," Christy laughed as she followed NY out. "Not going to happen."

"Not my night," Pip sighed a he slumped on the couch. Then the soldiers marched threw the room playing their assorted mariachi instruments. "Nope, not my night at all."

* * *

**Coming up! Frogs! A little Phantom action! A belated Easter surprise! Seven mins in heaven!! And anything else could possible happen next! Love till next time!**


	19. Bet anyone?

**I was reading through some old reviews for this story and decided it was time for an update, so I give to you the next installment. As always I love to hear feed back, and if you have an idea for the story go ahead and say it, I may just use it! Enjoy!**

"Pip have you seen Alucard?" Seras asked as she walked down the hallways, still in her pink bunny outfit.

"Can't say I have," He replied as he followed her down the hall. "Something wrong with your cute little tail?"

"YES!" she screamed frustrated. "That jerk put a spell on this zipper! I can't get this costume off!"

"Burn it," Katlyn suggested as she walked out her door. "You've seen Christy around? I found the empty kool-aid pitcher in my room."

"She drank kool-aid man?" Pip gasped. "Seras, random question what is on under that suit?"

"Nothing," she replied, as she slowly backed away from Pip. "Pip!"

"I agree with burning it!" Pip said as he searched his pockets for a lighter.

"Anything to see her naked," Katlyn sighed as she walked away from the, Alucard fazing through the wall behind Pip.

"If I can't see Christy naked, I'll take the next best thing!" he called after her, still looking for his lighter.

"You're dead you know?" Alucard said darkly behind him. "No one gets to see that delicious body but me!"

"Why would you want to see Chris..oh hello!" Pip said as he turned to face Alucard. "I thought you were Walter."

"Why would I be Walter?" Alucard asked. "Stop confusing me for that twit."

"Twit am I?" Walter said from behind Alucard. Pip saw his chance to sneak away and took the chance.

"I assure you I think nothing but the highest," Alucard started but started laughing. "Who am I kidding? You are a bit of a twit sometimes. Like right now. 

Look at you some dark mysterious butler to a Hellsing heir. Do you wipe her butt too?"

"Alucard!" Integra called out as she walked down the hall. "You arrogant little vampire! You stole my cigars!!"

"Muwhahahahaha!" Alucard laughed as he fazed back through the wall.

"Sir!" Walter said as she passed him giving her a little salute.

"Why is everything back to normal?" Katlyn asked as she walked back down the hall. "This makes no sense."

"Where is your partner?" Integra asked as they continued down the hall.

"That's what scares me," Katlyn sighed.

"Oy, my head," N.Y. complained as he sat up. "What the hell happened?"

"Lots of drinking," Christy replied, as she poked something that looked like Shrek. "I think we killed him with alcohol poisoning. Damn and I was having fun."

"That the demon making people go crazy?" N.Y. asked as he yawned.

"No inner thought demon," she sighed. "Now what should we do. I was so enjoying this holiday."

"Come with me to New York?" he suggested as he stood and brushed off his suit. He gave her his hand and helped her stand up.

"Better idea!" she exclaimed as she pulled out a piece of paper.

"What is that?" he asked as he stepped back away from her, feeling power flow from the paper.

"Enchanted paper," she replied as she wrote 'Plot line' real big on the paper. The she took out a lighter and burned the paper.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Alucard screamed as he ran down the hall and bumped into Seras. He picked her up and hid behind her. "Save me!"

"From what?" she asked as she heard a menacing laugh come from the shadows of the hallway.

"You should be scared!" it said as he jumped from the shadows in an orange ball. "For I am puss in BOOTS!"

"Save me!" Alucard whimpered from behind Seras.

"Really master," Seras sighed. "It's just a cat."

"Just a cat?!" he replied. "Why senorita, I am a most gallant swordsman and fighter, and lover."

"Aww aren't you just so adorable," Seras swooned.

"It's a CAT!" Alucard spat. "An evil minion of darkness who gives me the creeps."

"Wait," Pip cried as he ran down the hall with a camcorder. "The no life king is afraid of cats?!"

"I am no!" Alucard roared as he stood full high behind Seras.

"Boo," puss in boots said as he picked at his nails. Alucard let out a high pitched scream and fled down the hall, Pip following videotaping it all.

"Now how about you and me baby go get a room?" he asked Seras.

"Um, no," she replied, as she turned her attention back to the cat. He gave her those big green kitty eyes and she swooned. "OKAY!"

"Shut that camera off!!" Alucard growled as he stalked down the hall.

"What's wrong with you two?" Christy asked innocently while eating green jelly beans.

"Alucard is afraid of kitty cats," Pip taunted.

"I am not!" Alucard growled as he went to strangle Pip.

"I'd be afraid of your twin showing up," Christy said, popping another jelly bean into her mouth.

"I do not have a twin," Alucard stated, turning his attention off of Pip who was still filming.

"Then who's that?" Christy asked as she pointed down the hall. There in front of Alucard's eyes was Bram Stoker's Dracula.

"What the hell?" Alucard muttered.

"I know," Pip replied as he stared at Dracula. "My money was on you being Dracula, but dude he's right there."

"Hello son," the Dracula said as he floated down the hall. "Come give daddy a hug."

"But…it can't be…I'm…but you…and…but…AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Alucard sutured before running back down the hall.

"Oh Seras," Christy called as Seras, still in her bunny costume, came out from the room across the hall. "I do believe I win. I did make him speechless and he was talking while Puss was chasing him."

"Fine!" Seras growled while giving Christy five hundred pounds.

"Thanks!" she said as she gave Seras a cheesy smile.

"I found my lighter," Pip stated as Seras walked by him. Giving him a horrified look she took off down the hall with Pip hot on her heels.

"Here is your money N.Y.," Christy said as she handed over all the money she just won from Seras to the Dracula look alike.

"If you just paid me off all the money you won, what was the point of this bet?" he asked as he transformed back into his original form, counting his money.

"I just wanted to see Alucard freak out," she replied, going back to eating her jelly beans. N.Y. shrugged and walked away from her. She proceeded into Integra's office where Walter and Integra where both smoking a cigar.

"I see chaos has once more returned," Integra said as Christy sat on her desk.

"So?" Christy replied nonchalantly. "Admit it your life would be dull without."

"At least nothing too terrible crazy has happened," Walter said with an upbeat tone.

Splat

"You may have spoken too soon," Katlyn sighed as she went to the window where outside more splating was heard. "You've got to be kidding me!"

"Frogs?" Walter laughed, as all three looked out the window, Integra with her cigar dangling from her open mouth. "It's raining frogs!"

"Wasn't this a plague?" Katlyn muttered. "Who brought upon the wrath of God?"

"Could be Maxwell," Walter replied, pointing to Maxwell standing in the middle of the yard dressed up as Moses.

"Wasn't Moses Jewish?" Katlyn gawked, and then looked over to Integra who was still slacked jawed. She started waving a hand in front of Integra's face. "Hello? Sir Integra? Oh dear, Walter I think we lost her?"

"I'll kill him!" she shouted suddenly and ran out of the door. Alucard came through the door moments later, looking slightly disheveled.

"Sir Integra just gave a battle cry and stole my guns," he stated sitting down at her desk, and grabbing a cigar. Putting his feet up he began to smoke, and let an evil smile pass his lips. "Also N.Y. just possessed Maxwell out there."

"Eh I'm not worried," Katlyn replied, taking the cigar from Alucard. "Also smoking is bad for your lungs."

"I dead you batty woman!" he growled taking the cigar back.

"Yes but you still have lungs!" she replied taking it back.

"Stop it!" he roared, taking the cigar once more.

"Fine," she said calmly, pulling cutting shears from behind her back and clipping the cigar in half. The lit end of the cigar drop onto Alucard's lap, causing his pants to ignite in flames.

"You crazy bitch!" Alucard screamed as he took off his pants, revealing black boxers with gray coffins on them.

"Boxer I win Christy," Katlyn replied as Christy came out of a filing cabinet drawer.

"Damn I really took him for a briefs man," she sighed and handed over a broom. "I lost my favorite racing broom thanks to you!"

"You lit my pants on fire on purpose!" Alucard growled, as Katlyn flew out the window on the broom. "You're dead!"

"Ahem, Walter," Christy called as Walter tried to sneak from the room. "I believe that counts as Alucard trying to kill Katlyn."

"Fine here," he replied, pulling out a bag of green jelly beans. "Somehow I knew you would succeed so I had someone find these before you won."

"Thank you," she said, giving him another cheesy smile, and popping a jelly bean in her mouth.

"By the way do you know how hard it is to find grass flavored jelly beans in England," he asked her.

"Why else would I bet you something like that," she replied. "I threw the last bet because I didn't feel like explaining to headquarters why another of my assistants died while on mission."

"Now excuse me I have one more bet to win," she replied and left Walter standing there gawking. She walked down the hall towards Pip's room and threw open the door.

"So far no celebs have accused you of rape," he replied, leaning back on his bed. "And since Seras escaped me I'm not about to let you escape."

"Christy! I'm suing you for rape!" cried someone from down the hall.

"Pip don't hold your breath," she smirked as Billy Joel busted in the room. "He's in a popular band and counts as a celeb"

"This woman raped me!" Billy screamed.

"You've got to be kidding me!" Pip groaned as he fell back on his bed. "Fine, I'll give up my hope of getting a chicken bride."

"Now Mr. Joel," she said as she grabbed Billy Joel. "I don't remember this rape so refresh my memory?"

"Release me!" he cried as she dragged him down the hall. She kicked her door opened and dragged him into the. Shutting the door behind her she faced him, and he threw her onto the bed. "Now where were we?"

"Not in the contract N.Y.," she replied sitting back on the bed. "It was seven minutes in heaven, and that's in a closet."

"Fine with me!" he replied, changing back to his form and grabbing he. He threw her into the closet, and slammed the door shut.

"I like Tacos," came a squeaky voice from inside the closet.

"Gir?" Christy laughed. "Hey who has a sword in here?"

"Sorry senorita," came Puss's voice from inside the closet.

"Who else is in this closet?" N.Y. roared.

"Hi," Seras said from inside the closet. "Me and Puss figured Master wouldn't find us in here."

"I'm enjoying the show," Walter replied, also in the closet.

"How big is this closet?" Christy asked, then a loud thunk was heard, and Christy went tumbling out of the closet.

"What happened?" N.Y. asked as he came out of the sea of dresses and skirts.

"That isn't the door to Narnia." She replied, followed by a long groan from the occupants in the closet. "Well how else is that closet big enough to fit us all?"

"I don't know," N.Y. sighed as he pulled her off the ground. "Alright everyone out of the closet!!"

A rumbling was heard and all the occupants came tumbling out of the closet in a pop corn avalanche. Heads and limbs could be slightly seen in the popcorn filled room. Luke and Jan popped their heads out of the closet.

"And our revenge is just beginning!" they both cried out.


	20. PopREVENGE corn

**It has been far too long! Lots of my ideas come from you reviewers so please keep it up! Hope you all like this one, and thank you to all who review it helps keep this fic alive!**

* * *

Walter walked down one of the many halls in the Hellsing mansion looking for Alucard, who ran after Walter had beaten him at a game of chess. He was stopped suddenly by Seras burning a pink bunny costume in the hall.

"I thought you weren't suppose to burn anything in the mansion after last time," Walter informed her.

"I must destroy this costume," Seras hissed at him. "It contains CORN!"

"Don't say the see word!" Christy screamed as she ran out of a room, popcorn filling the doorway. "It makes the kernels pop!"

"The word corn?" Walter asked confused. Then the hallway filled with an avalanche of corn.

"REVENGE!" came the cry of Luke and Jan's voice.

"Those bastards!" Seras cried as she clawed her way out of the popcorn, then ran towards Luke and Jan's voices.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Okay why are there multi colored lockers in the middle of the hall?" Katlyn asked, then was pulled into one by a giant ear of corn, and the locker closed.

"Hey Walter," Christy called out of one of the lockers, Walter poked his head out of one.

"Yes Christy," Water replied.

"Do you know what today's funny is?" Christy asked.

"Is it Papaya?" he asked.

"Aye! PAPAYA!" she screamed then they both closed their lockers.

"Hey Integra," Alucard called, as he fazed his head through a locker.

"Yes Alucard," Integra asked, as she opened up a locker.

"What's green and gooey?" he asked her.

"Um lime jello?" she replied.

"Close!" he laughed darkly, as Integra was covered in slime.

"You're dead!" Integra screamed, as she launched slime covered self toward Alucard's locker, silver stake in hand.

"Now for something really random!" Pip said from his locker.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Katlyn sat on her bed reading a book when two 6 foot tall beef tacos busted into her room.

"Tacos?" she gasped confused.

"Si Spanish speaking Tacos!" they replied in a horribly fake Spanish accent. "Chihuahua! Jalapeno! We are two talking tacoitos!"

"You are not speaking Spanish," Katlyn huffed.

"The leetle senortia is confusito of out mayo gute Spanish!" the tacos sang together. "Chimichangos! Hola! Tito! Frijoles! Burrito! La casa! Tortilla! Taco Bell!"

Then the tacos left, leaving a confused Katlyn behind.

"Nope, not even going to ask," she muttered to herself as she returned to her book.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"The world is ending!" NY screamed as he ran down the hall. He found Christy and started shaking her hysterically. "It's all ending I tell you!"

"Why?" she asked while he shook her. He stopped and stared at her.

"My sister is her!" he gasped. "NJ is here!"

"So?" she asked confused.

"So? She's a Jersey girl and a Devil's fan!" he screamed as he ran down the hall.

"Jersey girls I have no problems with," she called after him.

"That good," said a blonde girl behind her, she was wearing flip flops, a sweat shirt, and booty shorts.

"Yeah, but I'm a Philly Phan," Christy replied. "I love hockey and I'm a Flyers Girl. So you die now."

Christy took a bottle of red liquid and threw is at NJ and she burst into flames.

"Hey no burning things in the mansion!" Walter screamed as he ran into the room. "Oh and PAPAYA!"

Christy fell to the ground laughing. Then a white tiger walks past them, dragging Alucard in her mouth.

"Dinner?" Walter laughed.

"She thinks I'm her CUB!" Alucard whined as she drugged him down the stair case.

"Now for something completely random!" Christy said, as she pulled a different scene a crossed the room.

Integra was sleeping in her office, when bag pipes are being heard. She stands up now wearing a green tartan kilt. She starts doing a traditional Scottish dance by herself. Then Walter busted in.

"Does anyone have sanity anymore?" he asked, as Integra continued to dance.

"Let's pretend we do!" Christy said as she ran into the room, followed by Walter dressed in a banana costume, then another Walter dressed as monkey man busted in through the window. "Why are there three Walters?"

"I don't care but get out of my office and fix it!" Integra cried. "You four are messing up my dance!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"I just don't understand," Katlyn whined, as Seras stared at Alucard dressed up as Santa. "It's not even December anymore! Have you all lost the concept of TIME!"

"Has anyone see Christy and Walter?" Integra asked as she came into the room. "And I'm also going to ignore that suit Alucard."

"Here we are with one Walter!" Christy replied, coming in with Walter who was dressed in a wedding dress.

"What happened to the other two?" Integra asked.

"A loaded gun and a game of Russian Roulette," she replied calmly. "Only way I could decided which one was the real one."

"Right," Integra hissed, and then took a deep calming breath. "And the wedding dress?"

"Thought it be a nice day for a white wedding!" Christy sang, then they were all pelted with a ton of popcorn.

"REVENGE!" Luke and Jan screamed as the ran through the room, Seras hot on their tails with a ratherly large ax in hand.


	21. Banana

Christy and Integra sat in her office with crossed legs on the floor meditating.

"I'm bored," Christy sighed

"Yes," Integra replied, lighting a cigar. "But I'm sure this will work and the sanity will be restored if we restore our inner balance."

"What ever crack you smoking, start sharing," Christy huffed.

"Well I've certainly have run of ideas," Integra hissed. "So unless you have an idea shut up and start Oming!"

"I have an idea!" Christy replied, standing and going to a closet. "Let's find Narnia!"

"That's a coat closet not a wardrobe," Integra replied as a lioness stepped out of the closet. "What the f…"

"Hey keep it PG rated!" Christy interrupted as the lioness ran from the room.

"Go catch that thing!" Integra spat out, as she fumed over the whole incident.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Seras!" Christy called down the hall as she ran to catch up with Seras. "Have you seen a lion?"

"No?" Seras replied as she looked around her.

"K thanks!" Christy replied as she ran away.

"Oh God is a lion going to come out and attack me now?" Seras whimpered, but then was knocked against the wall by Alucard riding a bike dressed as a banana.

"Sorry," he called back at her as he pedaled faster.

"What in the world?" Seras gaped, as she was once more knocked against the wall, this time by a gorilla on a bike.

"Seras!" Walter called as he ran down the hall shot gun in hand.

"The gorilla went that way," she told him, pointing down the hall.

"I was actually looking for a runaway banana, but ok!" he replied running down the hall.

~*~*~*~*~~**~~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Katlyn," Walter cried as he leapt over the railing from the second floor to the first. "Have you seen a banana or a gorilla?"

"I don't want to be apart of it!" she replied. Walter shrugged his shoulders then ran off.

"Y2K," was echoed through the empty halls.

"What?" Katlyn gaped. "Luke is that you?"

"Y2K!" the voice called out again.

"Dude it's like 2009 Y2K was so nine years ago," she replied.

"YK!" the screamed in a hoarse voice.

"Y at K? WHAT?" Katlyn laughed.

"Sorry, Typo."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Ok Sir Integra Y2K WTF," Katlyn huffed as she burst into Integra's office.

"What?" she laughed. "Wasn't that nine years ago?"

"You humans thought you were safe!" he computer laughed as they where attacked by anything electric in her office.

"I'm gonna get killed by a lamp!" Katlyn cried.

"It's okay!" Christy cried as she broke down the door, and whipped out Domo from behind her back. "I have DOMO!"

"DOMO!" Domo cried before her started attacking the computer.

"Take that Y2K!" Integra cried, as Alucard biked through the room, still in banana costume and out the window.

"Was that Alucard in a banana suit?" Katlyn asked, when the Gorilla on the bike followed Alucard's path right out the window, followed by Seras driving a golf cart Walter riding shot gun with a shot gun.

"Tally HO!" Walter cried as they drove out the window.

"Acid trip much," Christy huffed as she walked out of the room.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Hey why wasn't I in this chapter!" Pip cried, as he walked onto a blank screen. "Am I not important? I mean sure they kill me off eventually in the Manga, but my death was amazing! Who can have amazing deaths like me! I was awesome in life and dying! No one is as awesome as I!"

"Pip," Luke called as he ripped down the white curtain Pip was standing in front of in his room. "My death was awesome."

"Well my death was awesomer!" Jan cried as he entered the room. "No one can die like I can!"

"Excuse you!" Rip huffed as she walked in. "My death was glorious, and if any of you say otherwise I shoot you in the head!"

"Why the hell are you all arguing about your deaths," NY huffed as he strutted into the room. "Your dead, the only one who gets credit it the one who killed you. So in this case it seems Alucard is the awesome one and you are all pathetic. Go back to your pathetic after life and let us living go back to are awesome being alive moments."

"That's it!" Rip cried as she punched NY in the eye. Next thing you know they all are attacking NY.

"And this is why when the doctor tells you to take your medication to make the voices stop you should listen," Christy said as she walked into the room. "Join us next time and we may answer the question of why Alucard is being chased by a gorilla. Why dead people still roam the halls of Hellsing? Why am I here? Why are you here? Pfft we aren't gonna answer any of that and you know it! You come here for randomness cause you want to be living in this craziness, you love every epp!"

Christy was dragged into the pile of fighting.

"Until next time," Alucard said as he half fazed through the wall. "Leave, NOW!"


	22. At least I'm not you!

**Back again with another dose of randomness to fill your lives with. Thanks again to all those that reviewed, without you guys this fic wouldn't be possible!**

Once again we return you to the halls of Hellsing manor. A place of integrity, sanity, and evil vampires. Well at least it once was, now you have crazy witches, vampires, and bananas. We now join Alucard walking into the kitchen where Christy is sitting on the table staring intently at the refrigerator.

"What now," Alucard muttered as he walked over to Christy and started staring at the refrigerator.

"What are you guys doing?" Seras asked.

"Don't open the fridge," Christy said in a whisper.

"Why?" Seras whispered back.

"EVIL!" Christy screamed before running out of the room.

"Go open it," Alucard ordered Seras.

"No way," Seras cried before screaming and running out of the room Alucard chasing her.

* * *

"Why are we hiding in a closet?" Walter asked Integra from inside the closet in her office.

"Because there is a door to Narnia in here and I intend on finding it!" she replied back.

"You know what would make this perfect?" Walter asked. "Oh Kool-Aid!"

"OH YEAH!" the Kool-Aid man cried as he busted threw the wall and out the closet, making the closet explode.

"Did I hear a closet exploding?" Christy asked as she ran into the room. "MORE KOOL-AID!"

"Oh NO!" Kool-Aid man cried as he ran from the room Christy chasing him.

"I just wanna drink you again!" she cried.

"Good job Walter," Integra huffed. "Now how am I suppose to get to Narnia!"

"Take the bus?" he replied.

"Good idea!"

* * *

"I like tacos," Pip said as he strolled into the now empty kitchen. "They taste delicious, especially when disgusted by my stomach acid!"

"Don't open that fridge!" Christy screamed as she ran in. "It contains DOOM!!"

"The fun or bad kind of doom?" Pip asked her.

"The doomy kind!" she screamed as she ran from the room. "Doom doom doom doomie doom DOOM!"

"Not chancing it this time" he said stepping away from the fridge then was pegged with a banana. "Not more bananas!"

"Oh yes more bananas!" Luke cried as he ran into the kitchen holding a bunch of bananas. "I will peg you to death with bananas! Death by bananas!!!"

"NO!" he screamed running from the room, Luke hot on his tail.

"Open the fridge!" Alucard ordered as he dragged Seras back into the kitchen. "Do it."

"FINE!" she huffed and open the fridge to be attacked by a bunch of marshmallows.

"FREAK marshmallows?" Alucard gasp before he ran from the room.

"I told you not to open the fridge!" Christy huffed as she came out of the trap door in the kitchen floor. "Why does no one listen to ME! Now there is only one thing to do."

"I'm not going to like this," Katlyn huffed as she walked into the room as Christy reached down and lifted a change in scene.

"Much better," she replied as they were now sitting around a campfire. "Marshmallow?"

"Has anyone seen Sir Integra?" Walter huffed as he ran into the scene

* * *

With Sir Integra she was now in a gondola with the Phantom of the Opera singing to her.

"What do you expect," she asks the audience. "After finding out you can't get a bus ticket to Narnia, I took this close second. You should be more concerned about Pip right about now."

* * *

"Royal flush take em off ladies," Pip gloated from where he sat on his bead surrounded by ten chickens. The chickens started plucking off a feather each.

"Why are you playing strip poker with chickens?" Alucard asked as he ripped the door down.

"Because Walter told me chickens would never do this," he replied.

"Right, just watch out for their angry rooster boyfri…never mind," Alucard started but stopped as ten roosters ran into the room and started pecking at Pip. "Good luck then!"

Alucard slowly closed the door then strolled down the hall.

"You think this is bad you should see what Walter is up to."

* * *

"You guys should clean your ears more often!" Walter said as he finished cleaning another soldier's ears out and placed the Q-tip in the trash can next to the chair. "Next!"

"Since when is clean ears is a reason to fail inspection!" the soldier now sitting down mutter. "At least I'm not Christy right now."

* * *

"ZOMBIE KOOL-AID MAN!" Christy shrieked as she was chased threw the woods being chased by the now Zombified Kool-Aid man. "What a twist! At least I'm not that Alexander dude."

* * *

Alexander and Maxwell where doing a two man rendition of the ballet wan Lake.

"You think this is werid," Alexander said and he jumped across stage in a tutu.

"At least we aren't reading or writing this!" Maxwell continued as he leaped across the stage.


	23. That's not funny

_**Thank you to all my reviewers! As always this is for you guys!**_

_*************_

"Why is everything back to normal?" Alucard asked as he and Walter stood in the foyer of the mansion at night. "There is nothing strange happing, and there isn't even signs those two witches were even here."

"Why are you trying to jinx this! You speak of the devil and he…" Walter was interrupted when Christy busted in threw the window next to the front door.

"I'm BAAAACCCCK!!!" she giggled as she ran away.

"And SHE shall appear," Walter finished muttering.

"There is a door for a reason!" Katlyn screamed as she walked in. "Learn to use doors!"

"Never!" came her replied from upstairs.

"Run!" Seras cried as she ran through the hall being chased by zebras.

"Zebras?" Alucard sighed shaking his head. "Now that's just ridiculous."

"You think that's bad" Pip said as he came in dressed up in a skirt and bright pick bra. "Go ahead ask."

"That's actually normal," Walter replied, as he spun around really fast and got back into his monkey man costume. "MONKEY MAN!"

"Now see you two have lost the randomness of humor now," Alucard sighed. "The monkey man bit is over done, and Pip dressed like a woman not funny, just creepy and…" Alucard was interrupted when a 30 gallon bucket of blood was dumped on his head. "And THAT was just a waste of good blood. Hey! Who touched my blood supply?! Someone's going to die!"

"Well how about this one," Christy said as she walked in with a fork as big as her. She lifted up above her head. "I'm a fork lift!"

"That was just corny," Alucard sighed shaking his head. Then the foreyard was filled up by raining corn kernels. "We did the corn bit already! Can't you think of anything new?"

"How about this," Christy suggested and pulled up the scene, they where now in the middle of Lady Gaga's Telephone video.

"This would be normal for a Lady Gaga video," Alucard sighed, as Lady Gaga danced next to him. Alucard reach down and changed the scene back. "You are not funny."

"And you are not Gandhi!" she huffed back, stuck out her tongue and ran.

"This fic is a lost cause," Alucard informed everyone as Christy drove the Delorean from back to the future into the house.

"Quick into the Delorean," she cried from out the Delorean window. "We can go back to the past to make this fic funny again!"

"No no," Alucard replied, as he ripped Christy out of the car and tossed the car onto the front lawn in the pile of ruined golf cars. "Going into the past will not make this fic fresh it would make it old."

"Well we could of used it to go to the future and find new material," she replied and smacked Alucard's head. "Why you have to be so stupid."

"Well if you steal new material then most jokes may just go over people's head and still not funny," Alucard informed her, as she set Walter on fire.

"MONKEY MAN!" Walter screamed as he ran around the room on fire, and then jumped out of a window to go find a lake to put himself out.

"Lighting people on fire is not funny," Alucard sighed.

"I'm not done yet!" she replied as she ran and grabbed Seras, a chain saw, and a tree. "Watch this!"

"Still not funny," he said as she stood Seras and the tree next to each other and stared chain sawing the tree. "This is old and used."

"Timber!" she screamed as the tree started falling towards Seras, then last minute flung straight upwards and seemingly body slammed Christy.

"Amusing slightly," Alucard replied, as Seras was rolling around on the floor dying of laughter, as Christy clawed her way out from under the tree. "But still not funny. I'll give you bonus points because I can see Seras's pink panties."

"EEK!" Seras screamed as she ran from the room.

"I'm not done yet!" she replied as she grabbed a cannon and shot Walter out of it.

"Holy crap!" Walter screamed as he went through the ceiling and flew across the English Channel. "I'm crossing the English Channel in under a day!"

"Well that was weak," Alucard snorted, and crossed his arms. "give it up, nothing you do is funny."

"Fine!" she huffed, as she went over and ripped Alucard's clothes off leaving him standing there in a pink tutu and matching bra.

"We did cross dressing already with the priests and Pip," Alucard sighed. "Plus the holy Rocky Horror thing. Are you done yet?"

"O M G!" she huffed, as she ripped off his clothes once more and Alucard was dressed as Elvis. "Better?"

"Well until this moment there hadn't been any Elvis jokes, but you had done the ripping clothing bit already," Alucard replied, critiquing her work.

"Well then tell me what you find funny," she challenged him.

"SPOON," he replied, as he pulled a spoon out of his pocket. "Simple and random."

"You are suck a tweaker."


	24. What to do next?

**As you can tell my randomness had fled so I give you this…**

"You know what the point of that last chapter was?" Christy asked Integra.

"That spooning always leads to forking?" she responded.

"No," Christy huffed. "Besides the forking came before the spooning in the last chapter. The correct answer is Alucard is a tweaker, and what is the worst thing you can do to a tweaker?"

"Um give them coffee?" she replied, as Christy shook her head. "What did you do?"

"I spiked his blood supply with an absurd amount of Monster energy drink."

"I'!" Alucard screamed as he waved his arms and ran around the mansion in a blink of an eye. Then stopped in front of Integra and started twitching. "DDDDDDIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!"

"That's what you get for telling me I'm not funny!" Christy screamed, and then ran from him.

"Jesus Christ!" Alucard screamed.

"Yes?" asked Jesus as he appeared next to him.

"WWWWHHHHHYYYYYY!" Alucard screamed, and then he picked Jesus up and stormed off scene.

"What in the hell just happened?" Integra sighed, as she shook her head.

"You just seen the funniness and randomness of this fic being pulled from the seems," replied a giant talking taco.

"And what are you doing?" she asked the taco.

"Just passing through with and triangular bunnies," he replied as he strolled by followed by ten bunnies in the shape of triangles.

"You know what this fic needs!" Pip said as he ran into the room.

"If you say it needs to be Vamped I will kick you in the balls," she replied, and prepared to kick him.

"Actually I was about to say a change of scenery," replied Pip. "A new story line that could make the next chapter interesting!"

"Alright what shall we do?" sighed Integra, unsure of why she was going along with this.

"Play a game," suggested Pip. "Oh I know let's play survivor!"

"What?"

"We shall play that popular American Reality TV game show Survivor! Survivor Hell island the Hellsing edition!"

"You do realize Hell Island is small and populated," she replied, as Walter walked into the room and slipped on his gloves.

"I'll take care of the population problem," Walter informed her as he flexed his fingers, and pointed at Pip. "You just take care of the casting issues and get us a host."

"Then its settle," Pip said as he clapped his hand together, and pulled Survivor host Jeff Probst in front of Integra.

"Join us next chapter for Survivor Hell Island the Hellsing Edition," Jeff said to the imaginary audience.

"NEIIIIN!" cried Schrodinger as he rushed into the room and knocked Jeff out. "If ist going to be a Hellsing Edition then I should be the one hosting!"

"Fine you can host," Pip huffed.

"Join us next chapter and watch as Hell Island is covered in blood when Hellsing squares off against Millennium in an engaging game of survivor!" Schrodinger said in his hosting voice.

"You do realize no one dies playing survivor," Integra huffed.

"Wanna bet?" Schrodinger replied.

"NOOOOOO!" Alucard screamed as he ran back into the room still twitching. "We did the whole betting thing before!"

"Join us next time on Survivor, I won't be there," Jeff said as the cast behind him started to fight. "I'm getting myself unwritten from this crazy fic and suing the writer for even putting me in this."


	25. Survivor start!

**Just would like to state now I have no ownership of survivor nor am I making any kind of money off of this. Also thank you to my reviewers RainbowAquila and Darkheart13666**

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH" scream Sears as she was dragged off the ship onto the island. "I don't want to play!"

"Stop being a baby," Alucard grunted as he pulled her along the gang plank. "It's just a game."

"SILENCE!" Schrodinger commanded, wearing a red bandana on his head, his ears poking out. "Welcome to Hell Island! Now that I had just watched a marathon of Survivor and am as knowledgeable as that wanna be host Jeff we shall split you three into tribes. Then you will be given a five pound bag of rice, a pocket knife, and each will be fitted with an ankle bracelet of your team colors. This anklet is also a tracking device that will be removed at the end of the game. It just helps us keep track of the dead bodies."

"No one dies in this game!" Pip huffed.

"No one said you could talk!" Schrodinger replied, then snapped his fingers and Pip was knocked out by a coconut. "Anyone else want to speak out of term? No? Good, now as I was saying I shall now split you up into three random tribes. The first tribe shall go stand under the red banner. The first tribe is: Alucard, Integra, Seras, Walter, Pip, and Katie."

"Random my butt," Walter said as he walked over to the red banner only to get hit with a coconut.

"No talking out of turn!" Schrodinger screamed. "Your tribe is called Bimbo Tribe. Now the second tribe please move under the blue banner. Tribe two is: Anderson, Maxwell, Henikle, Yumi, Luke, and Christy.

"How'd we get stuck with her?" Maxwell muttered to Anderson, before Maxwell was knocked out by a coconut.

"We are going to need more coconuts!" Major called out from the tree line.

"Just reuse them we only had a big enough budget to buy three of them!" Schrodinger screamed back. "Now your tribe name is the Freeloaders! And lastly the green banner is the third tribe: Captin Han, The Doktor, Zorin Blitz, Dandy Man, Rip Van Winkle, and Jan. your tribe name is Victory! Now you will noticed on the back of your banner is a map to your camp. Go set up camp!"

"This is ridiculous," Katie muttered to herself as they trudged through the tree line into the forest. "Where are the houses and people?"

"Oh that's easy," Walter replied. "The reason the budget is low for the filming is all the inhabitants are vacationing at a resort in Bermuda and we torn down all the homes and planted a forest. After we are done here we shall rebuild like nothing ever happened."

"Terrific," Katie sighed as they reached the vacant beach.

They started to set up camp as the Freeloaders reached their vacant beach at the same time. Meanwhile, the Victory tribe used their quads to reach the hotel they were staying at.

"Some would consider this bias treatment," Dandy Man said in his private interview. "But we won this reward in a rock paper scissor war while we were on the boat."

"When the pope hears of our kidnapping everyone will PAY!" Maxwell screamed in his interview.

After a day all the tribes where brought back to the beach.

"Now is time for the all important immunity challenge!" shrilled Schrodinger. "Tribe members must make it across this mile long rope maze blinded folded. Get all your tribe members to the other side and immunity is yours. Be the last tribe and I'll see you at tribal counsel. Now survivors get your blindfolds on!"

The rope course was just a bunch of ropes the range from ankle level to neck level tied in a form of knots, and there was no clear path. They all lined up at the starts.

"Suckers…I mean survivors ready, and GO!" Schrodinger shouted, and they all ran and started climbing, tripping, and flipping over the ropes.

Then Katie and Henikle each hit a land mind and ended up at the finishing line.

"Did I forget to mention the land minds?" Schrodinger laughed. "Bimbos and Freeloaders each have a member over the finish line!"

"Arrr!" Alucard screamed as he charged thru the ropes and crossed the finish line, but kept running.

"Stop Alucard you're over!" Schrodinger screamed at him. "Bimbos take the lead with two members."

"Sears come here!" Alucard ordered as he ripped off his blind fold.

"Yes master!" she called and quickly made her way thru the ropes, Maxwell hot on her heels as they crossed the finish line.

"Bimbos has three members, Freeloaders two members, and tribe Victory stop sucking!" Schrodinger screeched.

"Fine," Captin Hans grumbled as he made his way to the finish line, followed by Walter.

"Here is some help!" Major replied, as he pushed down on his TNT plundger, blowing Anderson, Yumi, and Rip across the finish line.

"Who's side are you on!" Schrodinger growled at Major. "Now Freeloaders are tied with Bimbos with four members and Victory has two!"

"Five now!" Luke screamed as he crossed the finish line.

"We win!" Christy screamed as she tripped over a rope and landed on Luke's back.

"Dammit!" Dandy man hissed as he crossed the line. "Let's go guys!"

"Alright!" Blitz called back as he grabbed Jan and made a mad dash towards Dandy man's voice.

"Oh no you don't" Integra screamed as her and The Doktor pushed each other out of the way to the finish. Meanwhile Pip was tangled in the middle of the course.

"Bimbos see you at tribal counsel tonight," Schrodinger informed them as everyone left.

The Bimbos finally untangled Pip in time for tribal counsel. They trudged up to the meeting spot around a bonfire.

"Each of you have a name tag, thanks to budget cut," Schrodinger said, as he handed out stickers that had 'Hello My Name is…' and each of their name written on them in a black sharpie. "I will rip off the voted cast members name tag after the vote. Now Alucard you are up first."

Alucard walked up to the ink, paper, and jar. Thinking quickly he scrabbled Walter's name down.

"This is for all the Monkey Man crap you put me through!" Alucard said, then jammed the paper into the jar.

Integra was up next, and wrote Katie's name. "For all the shit you and your freak partner put us thru!"

Seras walked up next and wrote Walter's name down. "Master told me too!"

Walter walked up and wrote Sera's name. "This is because you made us do that whole Christmas skit a few chapters back!"

Pip walked up next and wrote Alucard's name down. "Because not only did you steal Seras from me but my Chicken bride as well!"

Katie was the last to go and wrote down Integra's name. "I know you voted for me, so I'm going to vote for you as well!"

After Katie went back to the others, Schrodinger went to tally the vote. He returned and started walking back and forth among the cast members, randomly stopping in front of them.

"Did they vote you off for a lunatic being your partner?" he said stopping in front of Katie.

"How about you for losing the challenge?" he asked Pip.

"Or you for that ridiculous singing number around Christmas?" he asked Seras.

"But Monkey Man skit trumps all," he said, ripping off his name tag. "The tribe has spoken and you are the first voted off the island. Please see Herr Major."

"Why?" Walter questioned as he was pushed up the stairs then catapulted out to sea.

"Because it makes it interesting," Schrodinger laughed. "Join us next time to see what the hell happens! On Survivor Hell Island!"


End file.
